12 October 2006

Don't know what's wrong.

I dont have the right to feel this way and i talked about it a hundred times before. I dont feel like I belong and I know that really in the long run who cares? I know im loved no matter what but I don't feel American--(I get called "un-American" so often, really, you dont even know) and I don't feel European--(but at the same time Americans seem to think I am...but I'd never fit in)...I don't feel even mixed half-half because I'm not allowed to talk about it, and when I am allowed I'm not allowed to talk about German...and its really starting to get to me.

This started to affect me alot a few years ago when my sister got a family history of our original Bavarian surname but even more when I went overseas and now its like eating me. Especially when I was pregnant. I didn't want to lie (even by omission) about our son's heritage. But what was the other option? It's so confusing, I hate to offend, I hate to give the idea I'm not appreciative. I feel so stupid. Sometimes i truly feel like a "TCK"; that term clicked with me so much when I heard it in Kandern but I tried telling someone and they kind of laughed like I couldn't possibly understand, like really understand since I was born-American. But like I'm hiding like a refugee, but some kind of illegal immigrant refugee. I wonder if that's what Karl-Heinz felt like as a kid growing up: he was an illegal immigrant. In fact he still is. Sometimes I want to call the FBI and turn him in. How can I despise him so much and still feel that cultural tie? It isn't logical and I really hate myself right now and I just don't know why...maybe it's because its October. I always hated October.

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