30 June 2008

Moral compass.

This about sums it up for me. It is credited to Jeffrey Nielsen, a professor of philosophy who was ousted from the church-owned Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, in 2006 after criticizing the church's position on gay marriage in a newspaper column:

"No one is asking that you condone a behavior that might violate your religious faith, but we need to allow everyone the freedom to live their life as they see fit."

I really like the sentiment there. I am one who respects all religion and faiths (or lack thereof), regardless if it's something I believe in or agree with. My only stipulation, if ever there was one rule that would encompass everything needed to live peacefully, it would be this: Do as you please, so long as it hurts no one and doesn't force your will upon another. I can see that in so many religious "ethics of reciprocity"...Christianity is known for the Golden Rule, Wicca abides by the Wiccan Rede, it's the core belief in Thelema's Book of the Law, and Islam has the 13th Hadith. In fact, despite what some think, even Atheists, Agnostics, Humanists, and Pastafarians are capable of following a moral compass.

I'm a little sick of the hatred generated by so-called People of God. In all I've read, about multiple religions, the idea isn't to hate, or destroy, or malign. It's about love, acceptance, and tolerance. I mean, even Aristotle had it right: "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

If you think the US Constitution's First Amendment (the right to freedom of religion and freedom of expression from government interference) applies only to your religion, then you're in the wrong country. Go to the Middle East, see what that mindset has accomplished. And don't tell me it's all because Islam is a violent faith; anyone who's actually read the Qu'ran instead of taking their arguments from the media would know better. Don't be ignorant; in this day and age, it's no longer an excuse.

29 June 2008


I saw Styx open for Boston a few hours ago. I really enjoyed it, though I was saddened that Boston was without Brad Delp. I love when bands as old as I am can still rock with the best of them.

In other news...

I've done alot of searching recently, into myself and into my mind and soul. I'm happier with being me than ever before in my life. I feel I'm being true to myself and lately I've been noticing so many signs from the past, "invitations", as it were, to explore all in life, and question everything until I've found the answer that fits my worldview. I recall specific events that never seemed related, until now. I suppose anything, when compared, can be connected by coincidence and yes, I understand that it doesn't necessarily mean anything at all...however, I feel so at home. I feel the rhythm in my existence, I see the logic in my understanding, I experience the amazement in everything.

I do worry, of course, that my explorations will not be accepted or looked upon favourably. Discrimination, fear and hatred come in all forms. I don't want to choose, so please don't make me. You don't have to like it...just don't turn away.

27 June 2008

Just random shit.

Lots of thoughts today:

1. A neurologist, psychiatrist, hematologist and cardiologist have all discussed, faxed and signed paperwork, and otherwise worked together to determine that a daily dose of Adderall would be beneficial to my functionality. I'd been on it for years beforehand but went off of it in 2005 as soon as I found out I was pregnant. After Gabriel's birth (and subsequent death), my perinatologist and other specialists didn't want me back on the meds until they stabilised my health and figured out what was going on with me, and why. Now, in 2008, I finally get the go-ahead for this much needed medication--remember, not just one but several doctors have agreed--and now my prescription provider will not cover it. Why? Let me paraphrase: "We only cover it for kids under 18. After that, you're out of school and when you hit grown-up world you buckle down and don't need it anymore." I asked if that meant they were okay with medicating kids for what they feel is normal human development, since they just grow out of it. The answer was yes. I asked about what about the adults who need that functionality in the workplace. I was told that ADD and ADHD is a kids' disease so it's pretty rare in adulthood...that's why they have to pre-authorise it and take it up with a peer group and medical director. Needless to say I'm appealing, otherwise I'm paying $127.50 for the generic. Per month.

2. On a lighter, but equally ridiculous note, I read that some women believe that the iPhone is sexist. This is because the technology is heat-based...I can't make anything work on that damn touchscreen if I try with my gloves on, or with a stylus or key or anything that isn't my fingertip. So of course, these women claim that Apple's sexist for discriminating against those with long fingernails who can't properly tap the touchscreen with the tips of their fingers. I call total bullshit on this one. I had fake nails for my wedding (I'm a construction worker, I couldn't get real ones) and I had a hell of a time getting my contact lenses in and out. I didn't freak out about it. It's not like they have to slice their breasts off and sew up their vaginas to use the damn thing. If you don't want to give up your nails then deal with not being able to use a touchscreen. Get over yourselves.

3. Now, equally ridiculous but not at all light or funny, is this. A few days ago the Supreme Court struck down a law allowing child rapists to be executed, as it's "cruel and unusual punishment". I'll be real quick in saying I'm not sure I agree with the death penalty but seriously...aside from that. The rape of a child, in my opinion, is the single most horrific, soul-murdering, painful and life-altering crime I can even begin to fathom. That child is forever broken in all aspects of his or her personality. (And yes, males can be raped, and are.) These rapes can not only damage the psyche, causing the child an inability to trust or love, but also damage the body; displaced organs and broken bones are not uncommon. How is execution of the one responsible at all cruel and unusual? Where are our priorities? I mean, did you know that writing bad checks is a worse felony than incest in Nevada? How is that right? Why are perpetrators being shielded? And on that note, I despise the "fucked up childhood" excuse, we've all had those, and I'm sick of it as a defense. Death is too kind for them, but I have a serious problem with my tax dollars going to their cable TV and Christmas dinners and literature and sports equipment. And I really have to end this or I'm going to come unglued.

23 June 2008


(For more info, see http://www. counterpunch. org/glendenning06192008. html)

Every Move You Make

Surveillance of private calls and emails. Cameras documenting every move. No habeas corpus. Unimpeded entry into personal financial records. Voting machines changing election outcomes with the flick of a switch. Protest defined as terrorism. Many people hope that the loss of civil rights Americans have endured since the onslaughts mounted by Bush Administration II is a political reality that can be reversed through electoral will.

Established mechanisms of political power are, of course, the immediately available means for attempting change. Notions of citizens’ rights, freedom, and democratic participation are compelling paradigms that have consistently stirred the bravery of U.S. citizens – and yet elder political scientist Sheldon Wolin, who taught the philosophy of democracy for five decades, sees the current predicament of corporate-government hegemony as something more endemic.

“Inverted totalitarianism,” as he calls it in his recent Democracy Incorporated, “lies in wielding total power without appearing to, without establishing concentration camps, or enforcing ideological uniformity, or forcibly suppressing dissident elements so long as they remain ineffectual.” To Wolin, such a form of political power makes the United States “the showcase of how democracy can be managed without appearing to be suppressed.

Wolin rightfully points out that the origins of U.S. governance were “born with a bias against democracy,” and yet the system has quickly lunged beyond its less-than-democratic agrarian roots to become a mass urban society that, with distinct 1984 flavorings, could be called techno-fascism. The role of technology is the overlooked piece of the puzzle of the contemporary political conundrum.

What are its mechanisms of control?

The use of telecommunications technologies for surveillance is obvious. So are willful alteration of computer data for public reportage, manipulation of television news for opinion-shaping, and use of microwave-emitting weapons for crowd control.

Less obvious are what could be called “inverted mechanization” whereby citizens blindly accept the march of technological development as an expression of a very inexact, some would say erroneous, concept of “progress.” One mechanism propagating such blindness is the U.S. government’s invisible role as regulatory handmaiden to industry, offering little-to-no means for citizen determination of what technologies are disseminated; instead we get whatever GMOs and nuclear plants corporations dish out. A glaring example is the Telecommunications Act of 1996 that, seeking to not repeat the “errors” of the nuclear industry, offers zero public input as to health or environmental impacts of its antennae, towers, and satellites – the result being that the public has not a clue about the very real biological effects of electromagnetic radiation. Inverted mechanization is thrust forward as well by unequal access to resources: corporations lavishly crafting public opinion and mounting limitless legal defenses versus citizen groups who may be dying from exposure to a dangerous technology but whose funds trickle in from bake sales. In his Autonomous Technology: Technics-Out-Of-Control as a Theme in Political Thought, political scientist Langdon Winner points out that, to boot, the artifacts themselves have grown to such magnitude and complexity that they define popular conception of necessity. Witness the “need” to get to distant locales in a few hours or enjoy instantaneous communication.

Even less obvious a mechanism of public control is the technological inversion that results from the fact that, as filmmaker Godfrey Reggio puts it, “We don’t use technology, we live it.” Like fish in water we cannot consider modern artifacts as separate from ourselves and so cannot admit that they exist.

Social critic Lewis Mumford was among the first to make sense of the systemic nature of technology. In The Pentagon of Power, he identified the underlying metaphor of mass civilizations as the megamachine. The assembly line -- of factory, home, education, agriculture, medicine, consumerism, entertainment. The machine -- centralizing decision-making and control. The mechanical – fragmenting every act until its relationship to the whole is lost; insisting upon the pre-determined role of each region, each community, each individual.

Mumford deftly peels away false hope from a social reality based on principles of centralization, control, and efficiency. In 1962 he peered into the future and saw the pentagon of power incarnate: “a more voluminous productivity, augmented by almost omniscient computers and a wider range of antibiotics and inoculations, with a greater control over our genetic inheritance, with more complex surgical operations and transplants, with an extension of automation to every form of human activity.

Inverted totalitarianism is both inverted and totalitarian because of the power of modern mass technological systems to shape and control social realities, just as they shape and control individual understandings of those realities. Its contemporary existence is most definitely the result of the efforts of a group of right-wing fundamentalists who hurled themselves into power through devious means -- but today’s desperate social inequities, dire ecological predicament, and fascist politic are the offspring of long-evolving technological centralization and control as well.

The challenge is to see the whole and all its parts, not just the shiny new device that purports to make one’s individual life easier or sexier -- which in itself is a contributor to the making of political disengagement. The whole is a megamachine, with you and your liquid TV, Blackberry, and Prius a necessary cog.

Forging a survivable world is indeed going to take a change of administration -- for starters. The terrifying reality that is mass technological society suggests more: radical techno-socio-economic re-organization, and to that end spring visions informed by the indigenous worlds we all hail from, the regionalism of Mumford’s day, and today’s bioregionalism. Or visions of the forced localization that Peak Oil, economic collapse, climate change, and ecological devastation propose.

Chellis Glendinning is the author of six books, including Off the Map: An Expedition Deep into Empire and the Global Economy; My Name Is Chellis and I’m in Recovery from Western Civilization; and the forthcoming Luddite. com: A Personal History of Technology.

21 June 2008


I had a rather relaxing weekend. Meditated and read and slept much, trying to naturally heal my body of this cold I've had for about 3 weeks now. Tannah was in San Diego with his brother watching the Indians-Dodgers game (Indians, 7-2) and so I had some much needed time to myself. I also attended the solstice celebration at the local UU church and it was incredibly refreshing. Saw one of Tannah's friends there with his sister and although he was really only there to observe, it was great to see him.

Then, late tonight, a disagreement.

I don't understand why if a person doesn't look ill, then they are perceived as lazy or without motivation and ambition. I come across it nearly daily; I have a potentially terminal illness as far as my blood disorder and have some permanent loss of brain function due to several TIAs and a stroke. Included in that is permanent loss of vision in one eye and some lingering numbness in my fingers. But I appear fine. I laugh and run about and live life as I am able. My blood disorder is also an immune disorder and I can go upwards of a month with flu-like symptoms, and learning to live with that is much different than "being okay". Yes, sometimes I need more sleep than others in order to recuperate. Yes, sometimes I don't feel like going out or being sociable or committing just two hours to a given activity because I'm so exhausted or feeling unwell I'm not certain I can make it through. I'm not lazy. Please don't think I'm not trying. My inability to understand directions at times doesn't mean that I'm not paying attention. This is all out of my control. I know people hate the validation shit and I'm not trying to whine but seriously, it's hard enough to live like this and hear that kind of judgmental attitude as well...even if you don't think it's judgmental.

19 June 2008

Common sense, people.

I read this today:

"A McClatchy investigation found that instead of confining terrorists, Guantanamo often produced more of them by rounding up common criminals, conscripts, low-level foot soldiers and men with no allegiance to radical Islam - thus inspiring a deep hatred of the United States in them - and then housing them in cells next to radical Islamists...Soldiers, guards or interrogators at the U.S. bases at Bagram or Kandahar in Afghanistan had abused many of the detainees, and they arrived at Guantanamo enraged at America."

Well, no shit. I don't want alot of hellfire about how un-American I am or how I side with terrorists because I don't. Terrorism is not acceptable and it disgusts me. However, I tend to agree with what I quoted above: If I were unfortunate enough to be confined in Guantanamo as a possible terrorist by a foreign military simply because I fit the stereotype and got caught with firearms or with some kind of contraband (as deemed so by afore-said foreign military) then yes, I might be in that same boat. Who wouldn't? And really think about that for a moment.

Damn it, now my head's full of angry goo.

18 June 2008

An idea for your "stimulus" check...

(Taken from a local Vegas newspaper.)

Brothel owner Bobbi Davis has a plan to "stimulate the economy," and she means that exactly the way you think she does.

Starting July 1, her Shady Lady Ranch will hand out gasoline gift cards to paying customers who make the drive to the bordello on U.S. Highway 95 north of Beatty. Spend $300 on you know what and get a $50 gas card. Spend $500 and get a $100 gas card.

Davis hopes the promotion will bring back some of the business they have lost to record-high fuel prices.

"We've noticed it a little this month. It hasn't been frightening, but it's been a little (slower)," she said. "We have some people from Las Vegas who have been loyal to us. We thought this might be a way to get them to come back and say hi."

Davis said the brothel usually has three to five women working at a time. Three hundred dollars will get you a full hour with the shady lady of your choice.

"You get a little half and half, with multiple positions and multiple climaxes," Davis explained.

For $500, you get, well, more.

The promotion is slated to run through the end of the month or until Davis runs out of gift cards, whichever comes first.

Brothel industry lobbyist George Flint likes the idea. He's just not sure it will work on men in Las Vegas.

"There's enough ladies of the evening available, illegally or legally," he said. "They don't need to get in their cars and drive to a place 135 miles away."

Actually, it's more like 150 miles one way from downtown Las Vegas to the Shady Lady's yellow mobile home alongside an otherwise deserted stretch of U.S. Highway 95 in southern Nye County. Depending on the car, $50 worth of gas will barely cover one round trip.

But Flint, who also owns a wedding chapel in Reno, said you can't fault Davis for trying, especially in this economy.

"There's a lot of people out there are hurting right now," he said. "Anything an owner can do in any business should be applauded for trying."

The impact of rising fuel costs is obvious at brothels along Interstate 80 in Northern Nevada, Flint said. Business there has declined by about 20 percent, mostly due to long-haul truckers who can barely afford diesel fuel, let alone creature comforts on the road.

Meanwhile in Southern Nevada, some brothel owners have told Flint that "things are as bad as they've ever seen them," he said.

Over the past three years, the Shady Lady's two closest competitors -- Angels Ladies to the south and the Cottontail Ranch to the north -- have closed their doors.

"She's a voice crying out there in the wilderness all by herself," Flint said of Davis.

She and her husband, Jim, have owned and operated the Shady Lady for 16 years.

They made headlines in 2007 when they joined with the American Civil Liberties Union on a successful challenge of a state ban on brothel advertising in Clark and Washoe counties, where prostitution in illegal.

Since then, Davis said, the brothel has taken out some "modest" ads in Las Vegas and seen a small increase in traffic as a result.

Lately, though, the pain at the pump has spread to the parlor, Davis said.

According to AAA, the average price for a gallon of regular unleaded is now $4.25 in the Las Vegas Valley.

Davis said her husband just paid $4.38 a gallon at the nearest filling station in Beatty, so it's a probably a good thing that none of the gasoline cards she bought will work there.

She added that a customer can also earn the card by spending $300 on souvenirs, though that would be pretty hard to do. All the brothel sells -- aside from the obvious, that is -- are T-shirts, key chains, shot glasses, poker chips and commemorative coins. "But you could really stock up," Davis said.

The Shady Lady isn't the only brothel trying to lure customers with a unique promotion in dark economic times.

At the Moonlight Bunny Ranch near Carson City, outspoken owner Dennis Hof is offering to double the money of the first 100 customers who choose to cash their federal stimulus checks at the brothel.

Since the promotion was launched last week, nine men have taken advantage of the deal, Hof said.

"What are you going to do, take you stimulus check to Wal-Mart? That money is going back to China," he said. "Give it to the hookers, and it will go to tattoo parlors and beer and massage therapists and hair stylists and manicurists. We're keeping the money in America."

As part of the promotion, Hof has placed a giant thank-you card in the brothel's parlor for customers to sign after doing their piece to spur the economy. Once the card fills up, Hof plans to mail it to President Bush at the White House.

16 June 2008

Désolée, mais...

Je sais que j'ai promis plus. Je sais qu'il a été plus qu'une semaine depuis que j'ai écrit. Cependant, je dois dire quelque chose petite.

Parfois, je peux être heureuse. Je ne crois pas que ma vie est gaspillée. Je sais que la vie a changé et je suis très bénie. Je souhaite seulement que j'aie su pourquoi je continue la pensée à l'Avant, quoique je ne puisse pas le changer. Parfois ils voient mes cicatrices. Je pourrais dire la vérité mais pourquoi? La vie devient compliquée. D'abord ils posent des questions sur mes cicatrices, puis ils demandent quand. Encore, si je dis la vérité, ils demandent pourquoi. Parfois la vérité est la meilleure quand elle est cachée. Personne ne veut savoir.

Mais d'autre part: Je ne peux pas cesser la pensée. J'essaye de ne pas penser à mon enfance, mais parfois il me hante pendant des jours. J'ai dit avant que j'ai été adoptée quand j'avais 14 ans. C'est vrai. J'aime que j'aie été adoptée. Mais en même temps, je déteste ce que je me rappelle d'Avant. Je déteste que je ne sente pas en sécurité. Je déteste que je ne puisse pas faire confiance à d'autres. Je déteste qu'il soit si évident.

Très peu de personnes peuvent comprendre. C'est ma faute. Je ne dis jamais la vérité au sujet de mon enfance. Probablement 5 personnes savent entièrement. Encore 10 savent la moitié. Le repos savent seulement des mensonges, ou vérité partielle. Pourquoi néanmoins me blesse-t-il? Pourquoi font je néanmoins se trouvent, quoique ce n'ait pas été ma faute? Tellement beaucoup m'ont indiqué que j'étais la victime, je n'ai eu aucun choix et aucun droit. Mais je me rappelle, et parfois je suis en désaccord. Je me demande s'il est parce que je ne veux pas admettre que je n'ai eu aucune commande.

Je veux être honnête. "L'honnêteté est le nouveau noir", Flynn me dit. Mais pas ceci. Personne ne veut savoir. Et secrètement je me sens que je serai punie pour cette honnêteté, la même que j'ai été punie quand j'étais une jeune fille. Rien à foutre...

15 June 2008

Hey all...

I'm sick. Some stupid summer cold that's got me all stuffed up with a sore throat and all achy. Not fun.

I do have other posts written, saved out-of-view in their raw form (no capitalisation or punctuation, and rarely in full sentences), therefore I'm letting the world know that once I'm not a slave to my homeopathic concoctions and hot teas, I'll get to posting what's been going on.

Highlights to look forward to:

~My first off-roading experience; ---> see 06 June 2008
~An awesome new endevour at work;
~A concert I attended that was literally unlike any other....

I'll be back to posting soon. Promise.

10 June 2008

Am I so wrong?

Broken. That's okay. My beliefs have shifted dramatically in the past two years. My understanding of truth and reality have shifted. I've overheated and dehydrated. I'm watching a silly animated program, drinking a Mudslide, and completely exhausted. But I can't sleep; I'm not who I was before and it concerns me. I hope it's for the best.

06 June 2008

I was deflowered!

So, it's true. I lost my off-road virginity. It was exhilarating and frightening at the same time, but I'm really anxious to do it again. :)

Flynn goaded me into it, I mean it's not that I didn't want to but I'm not one for embracing completely new experiences. I get skittish and nervous and well, like a dumb girl as they say. But anyway, as I was saying, Flynn took care of everything. He was up front about what I needed (water, snacks, a jacket in case it got cold) and he planned the whole thing. It made me worry much less than I would have otherwise.

We went out to Potato Ridge. I followed him directly from work to the beginning of the trail...more than a good half-hour. He specifically chose this run so that I wouldn't be overwhelmed. Out of a possible difficulty score of 5, Potato Ridge is like a 2-1/2. Not bad.

At the beginning of the trail, Flynn laid out what we were going to do as he deflated my tires. I was such a newbie I didn't even know why he was deflating them, but he explained that it was so that the tires would widen out and grab more. Sweet. I love that kind of thing, that kind of random information that's actually useful. Then he made sure I had no questions, and got into his Jeep (Snow White) and I got into mine (as yet without a proper name).

It was simple enough to begin with. I cruised behind him thinking the trail was cake. We went slowly, but for the most part, it started off straight and flat. Then it got interesting...and exciting.

I saw Flynn pull off the the side and motion for me to pull over as well. I did. He told me to get into his Jeep. I did. I was thusly introduced to the Rock Garden. It was just...large rocks and small boulders one atop the other, scattered about, and as it was my first time he wanted to show me how to plan my path. He walked me through the entire thing, explaining aloud each decision and making sure I understood. There was even a point where I was certain we'd tip over and yes, only two wheel were touching ground, but he taught me how important it was to not panic in such situations. It was good, learning all that. Then he made me get out and do it myself.

I admit I panicked a bit; but I got in and he walked beside me as I talked out my path options. Sometimes he helped with advice. Sometimes he shrugged and said it was my call. Sometimes he had me get out and see what crazy position I had forced my poor Jeep into. (Like the time I squished it into a crevice and the sad little wheel was all snug deep inside the wheel well.) I also saw a lizard!

It was definitely a unique experience...after my second tour in the Rock Garden I felt far more confident and not too far after that we made it to the peak. It was calm, I looked at the scenery, I appreciated the moment. We took a break and talked a bit, mostly mundane things, then made our way back down: it was crazy. Most of it was thisclose to the drop, and I was a tiny bit nervous about it--most everyone knows my fear of heights--but I just used my newly-acquired skills of planning my path and I was careful to notice where Flynn took Snow White. Obviously, things went well.

We ended up at Red Rock Canyon: 3 hours and about 20 miles later. It felt great. Flynn inflated my tires again, as well as his own, and it was so sweet how vehicles stopped to make sure we weren't stranded. It was just so good to be in the thick of nature, it felt divine and adventurous and calming and ferocious. I loved it, and I can't wait to go again. I still want baby-trails, for now, but I hope to work my way up.

05 June 2008

Final shutdown.

When I was transferred from Drew to Jay and began working on the rigid conduit in January, it became our crew's responsibility to handle the shutdowns of certain substations so that we could prep gutters and such for the eventual splicing-in of power from the condo tower. This was out last one.

It was the XBH substation, the first I'd done as a journeyman. We had our normal 02h00 start time, but this one was different because of the fact that it was the emergency power, which meant that once we shut it down, life safety went offline. Fire alarms, magnetic doors, security...maybe I'm a geek but I thought that was incredibly exciting. In F-Card class we learned that if the life safety went down, security personnel had to be posted at every floor of the tower and at various exits, plus within a certain distance of one another, so that if a fire did start, they could scream out approved warnings in lieu of the sirens and such that a fire alarm system would be capable of doing. I secretly wanted to sneak about and search for the security personnel posted here and there, but that wouldn't have been looked upon favourably.

So, after the shutdown from central plant, Jay radio'd that it was clear. I donned my 11 cal/cm2 hot-suit (very sexy, people!) and with Victor's guidance I used the hot stick and grounded it all out. This was the sixth one so really, it was no different other than the whole life safety aspect of it.

It totally kicked ass though. Emergency power was out for three hours; aside from a few girls wandering aimlessly from the clubs into the dimmed restrooms, no one noticed. I was told a long time ago that an electrician did the job correctly if no one notices anything. After five years in the trade, I know that to be true.

It's sad I won't do another shutdown again anytime soon. I think that kind of thing is loads of fun. Sure, it's dangerous (a few thousand volts) but I seriously dig it. Not quite as kickass as photovoltaics...but not too many notches below it, either.

04 June 2008

Need to name my Jeep.

He's a 2007 silver Jeep Wrangler X, no current mods, but may soon begin off-roading. I thought of a few, and some were suggested. Please give me opinions and let me know if there are other good names out there!

So far:
The Brick
Mud Swan
Doc Silver


02 June 2008

Very happy!

I've been exploring lately, many aspects of myself. I am slowly becoming more comfortable and content with it all; there is a bit of trembling with this newness of course but I think it may be excitement. Changes are afoot! (Stay tuned...)

01 June 2008

Been thinking...

First off, Ayla I think one of your sons got ahold of your cell phone, haha. I got a phone call this morning with lots of singing, I think. Was adorable. :)

I've been thinking about trust, lately. More specifically, when giving trust is appropriate, to whom, and in what degree. I mean of course there are different levels of trust; for the most part, the trust a child has for a parent (even if undeserved) is stronger and deeper than the trust an employee might have for his payroll department. I know there are appropriate and inappropriate kinds of trust. I know there are situations that trust is mandatory, as in a life-threatening situation.

But I'm looking back, years ago, to how my misguided trust has affected me. I chose the wrong times, the wrong people, the wrong type of trust. I wonder how much of it has to do with my upbringing. There are certain aspects of one's childhood that affect adulthood, and I've always found it difficult to trust properly. I could go on and on about bullshit that would help to possibly explain but something are best never said. But I do wonder sometimes, if all I learned then--the maladaptive coping mechanisms, the lack of impulse control, the ability to speak while saying nothing--were of any value at all, or if they hindered me. If perhaps it still hinders me.

I feel so fucked up. I need cardamom tea and some burning sage. And calming oil.