29 July 2008

Drunk but lucid.

A few White Russians. A Captain & Coke. Old Peculier, Jäger, Patrón...I lost count. I know I shouldn't mix alcohol. I'm sure I'll be hurting in the morning, but for now I'm painfully lucid. Doesn't matter. I have to write some things down, things borne of drunkenness and confusion and some kind of deep, molten hatred.

I'm not even sure this should be written out. It won't make sense.

A forest. Mountains, a river. Nature sings softly at night but it lures out the beasts, who roam and eat those trespassing. A carefully-built fire to mock the night. I remember those days, hiding. I thought it was a game.

Confusion. It's difficult learning that all you've known was blatantly wrong. There was a shift in my reality: a change in schools, homes, families. In a sense it should have crippled me. It's not that I didn't let those things destroy me; it just wasn't an option. I guess it never even occurred to me that I should feel different, act different. I knew the rules: "Hide everything."

"Courage, courage, nous n'avons pas peur; avec le courage, nous sommes courageux..."

I thought it made sense back then. Happy and catchy and something to repeat to myself during questionable or frightening moments. Something to drive away the uncertainty. Now I see it was bullshit.

I miss the simplicity I knew in Germany. I miss the naïveté of my childhood in thinking all was as it should have been. I miss the acceptance, despite everything, I felt from my French family, even though I barely knew them, it seems. I'm lost inside because I hide everything, because nothing makes sense. No one understands because I don't allow them to try.

24 July 2008

Too far gone.

Haven't written in awhile. Not here, not in e-mails. I'm blank inside. I know what it is; I've gotten to thinking about things best left buried and forgotten but silly one that I am, I forget at times, and the pondering begins, leaving me functionally dissociative.

And then I wonder: am I that way because things happened as they did, or am I that way because it's what they predicted? I don't want to give into it if I don't have to. But then, I've been told that not accepting it just fucks everything up. They told me that not accepting that aspect of myself is like not accepting a diagnosis of cancer: whether or not I want to admit it's there, it's going to eat me from the inside-out if I don't get treatment.

But for fuck's sake, how do you get treatment for that kind of thing? They tell me the answer is to remain inpatient until it's worked out. "How long?", I asked. "We're thinking about 8-10 months", they replied. Fuck that. Not an option.

I hate going there, with their big fluffy chairs and brightly-coloured walls, peluches in the corner, broken and half-eaten crayons strewn about the table. I hate the smile that exudes false compassion, I hate the smile-and-nod combo that tries desperately to mask what they're really thinking. I hate when they ask questions, I hate when they want me to talk...I hate it because they all say that it's okay, they've heard it all before, if I'd just talk then I'd see it's not so bad. Then I take that ridiculous leap of faith and tell them my starter story, the one so vague, and yet it allows me to gauge their reaction.

I swear: 9 times out of 10, their faces scream out to me "What the fuck?" and that's the end of it. I bullshit through the rest of it, and stop going back. Sometimes I'll get one who wants to add me to their illustrious Book of Accomplishments and keep calling after me; enough cancelled appointments or no-shows can fix that easily.

So yes, there you have it. It's why I don't go back. I know about a half dozen people trying their damnedest to coerce me into seeing this "really good" one they know. They're all "really good" ones. They're all well-read and have had papers published and are directors of their respective institutions. And they all want to help, they claim I'm not as lost as I think I am, they assure me that once I unlock that door and get down to the Real Shit I've been hiding, I'll feel this massive weight lifted off my shoulders and life will be all beer and Skittles. And they're wrong, every single one of them. Sometimes I want to really say it, all of it, just to see what would happen.

Basically I can't figure out if I just don't want the help or I think I'm too far gone for it.

21 July 2008

Inexcusable ignorance.

I despise when idiots get up on their undeserved soapboxes and preach about things they know nothing about. Most recently, this pathetic piece of shit would be Michael Savage, who seems to love propagating hatred and misinformation. Why some of the uneducated misanthropes of the earth think that well-researched and understood disorders are fabricated is beyond me. In a way, I understand the controversy over ADD and ADHD...there are no definitive tests to "prove" whether or not a patient is indeed afflicted, there are only symptoms. However, some of the other "new-age" disorders, such as autism and dissociative identity disorder, are diagnosed by definitive tests, including brain scans.

So Michael Savage, you ignorant fuck, now that you ran out of crude, discriminatory things to say about women, Muslims, peaceful protesters, immigrants of any type, the "myth" of global warming, and homosexuals, you had to attack yet one more thing you don't begin to understand.

I know he's lonely and has no friends except the other ridiculously negative paranoids in his life. I know he's just spouting out bullshit to get the attention he so desperately needs. If I were forced to endure such a life on a day to day basis, I'd be pissed at everyone different than me, as well. But to have no empathy, and to not even want to be informed, that's something unforgivable.

18 July 2008


Been feeling ill, still with the sore throat, and I know it's from exhaustion. Waiting here, house-sitting, enjoying the hospitality of another. It's been like a mini-vacation and I'm rather happy about it. Maybe it's the change in scenery, maybe it's that I've taken a bit of a break from study group. Either way, I'm relaxed. Waiting and wanting, but relaxed nonetheless and that's a first in a very long time.

A birthday get-together next Friday, and the day after is the UUCLV fundraiser. I'll be 30 in just over a month, but won't be celebrating; I always celebrate my birthdays late. August is too busy, so it's been mid-October for a few years now. Closer to my due date, so it feels right anyway. (Yes, I was really premature.) Anyway, those are things to look forward to, for now. Still wanting very much to take my CIR exam for state certification in photovoltaics, but I feel rather overwhelmed by it all. I even find myself sleeping much of the time, but I'm not sure why. Not even in school and I'm still unable to maintain a life outside of work, go figure.

14 July 2008

My American duty.

I was summoned for jury duty and went down today. I'd been summoned twice before: once when I'd just turned 18 and my badge wasn't called, and once in January but I ignored it since it was in my maiden name. (I didn't realise that even if in one's maiden name, it's a valid notice to appear. Oops.)

So anyway, I went down: listened to instructions, received my badge, watched a very patriotic film of about 10 minutes, and sat rather bored for another 1-1/2 hours before the first bailiff came to the jury services room and requested the first forty numbers, my badge number being among them. I was ecstatic to be going, as one young woman (19? 20?) was loudly complaining and arranging chairs so she could lay down. She had confided in me that she was trying to be discharged, and it seriously irritated me.

The courtroom we entered was Judge Bell's, and the case was a double-murder. I won't go into details because honestly, I don't want to leak anything that might cause a mistrial and also, I'm not sure how much I'm legally allowed to say since the trial won't be concluded for another week. I will say it was being prosecuted by the District Attorney, and among the witnesses scheduled to appear were high-profile rappers and DJs. It was really fun to learn that the 60 year-old grandma behind me was an avid rap listener. :)

Anyway, we learned the charges, witnesses, and possible sentences. I disclosed that I was a close friend of someone working for the DA, which affected nothing, and then some asked for excusals. (Missing work and losing pay that could possibly cause one to have to file for backruptcy is not cause for excusal, in case anyone was wondering.) The judge proceeded to ask some basic questions to each prospective juror, followed by questions from the state and questions from the defense. Kind of an informal cross-examination of each of us, was interesting. About an hour in, I began to worry: my blood disorder really forbids me from sitting for long periods of time, and half my body had gone numb. (My legs still are.) I took a few breaks to walk around--approved by the bailiff--and I wound up being excused an hour later for something unrelated to my breaks. I went back to the jury services room, where I was told I wasn't off the hook yet, I may still need to sit in on another selection panel. However, it was already almost noon, so they gave me a lunch pass until 13h30.

[boredboredbored...insert Jay's "joke" that he didn't see my name on the call-in list...not funny, Jay!]

I returned at the proper time, to find that the jury services room was filled to bursting with the second wave of potential jurors; first wave arrives at 08h00 (of which I was a part) and the second arrives at noon. I was a little annoyed, then it was just hilarious. Some of us began joking about the silliness of it. Not to say jury duty is hilarious, but there had to be well over 200 of us squished in there, so that the ones of us coming back from lunch were stuck standing in the hall.

Finally, at just after 14h00, they began calling names for dismissal: mine was the 4th called. I gave up my badge, it was stamped by the jury services clerk, validated my parking ticket, and I got the hell out. I couldn't help thinking, though, about the defendant. I really hope he gets a fair trial. I mean, if he did it, he needs to get what's coming to him. But I hope whatever it is, it's done right and with as little bias as possible.

09 July 2008


I found out on Monday that one of Tannah's co-worker's had committed suicide. I'm not listing her name because the company is rather small yet and I want to respect her privacy, and that of her family. I didn't know her that well, but she was always kind and cheerful to me. I remember in August 2005, after I got released from the hospital from giving birth to Gabriel, I didn't want to sit at home. Too much time to think and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I'd done all my required homework for the first day of school while inpatient and we'd already seen the funeral director for Gabriel's service, and it just so happened that the day after I was released, Tannah's company was having a get-together at the owner's home. I decided to go, just so I could feel normal.

It was awkward. Everyone at the company knew we'd lost the baby, and no one knew how to treat either one of us, especially me. I was still excruciatingly sore, and no matter how much I tried to smile, it still didn't really come out right. Small talk seemed forced to me. People would greet me and say "Hi, how are you?", trying to be polite...then they would remember, apologise, and linger for a moment in silence before turning to someone else. All except her.

There was no awkwardness, no gooey fake compassion or unbalanced hugs. She sat down and started talking to me about Queen, as Tannah and I had seen "We Will Rock You", a Queen musical, at the Paris about a week prior. Something so mundane really brought my spirits up. For about an hour I was able to talk about something 100% unrelated to me, as a person, and my life. When I tried to get up and get a drink, she didn't coddle me and ask if I was okay or if I wanted her to get it. She gave me a sassy look and said, "Sit down girl, I got it." A tone of voice that was firm but still positive, and didn't alert anyone close that I was needing assistance, whether I wanted it or not.

All in all, she made me feel like a human again, that day. And now she's gone, having shot herself on 05 July 2008. Her roommate found her. No one sensed anything amiss, no changes (good or bad) in personality. I wish I knew why. Having been actively suicidal for more than half my life (and having tried it 7 or 8 times...hooray for blood that's too thick), I can understand the immense feeling of desperation and hopelessness. I know it's not the same for everyone but I've been there in my own way. Cesare Pavese once said, "No one ever lacks a good reason for suicide", and I believe that. Everyone's reason is valid in it's own way, as twisted as it may be. I guess maybe I wish I understood, maybe I wish I could have shown her a way out of whatever was driving her to need to kill herself.

05 July 2008

Too adorable to resist.

I was so excited to see this by XKCD actually ran to my iPod and played the Boomdeyada song and giggled. It puts me in the best mood ever.

See? This makes up for some of my recent angst. :D (PS: Did you read the tiny print for the box that says "I love elections"? It says "Barack me Obamadeus" and I'm so stealing that.)

04 July 2008

This might come off as whinging.

Independence Day. I got loaded up on alot of political commentary; first I saw the new awesome "Wall*e" today, I loved it, and it made me cry (more than once). Aside from the adorable story, I walked out of the theatre resolute in my budding ideas about the necessity of saving the environment. I know it's not something I can do myself, and I'll really have to wean myself from my own horrid behaviours, but I can take small steps to improve. My soul felt quasi-explosive in the knowledge that going back to Nature is imperative.

Then, political discussions with the in-laws. They are really rather conservative, something I've strayed from in recent years. (I'm closest to Libertarian.) I kept my mouth shut on the majority of my personal views but I think I played a pretty good Devil's Advocate. Just sometimes it's best to pick your battles.

The thought invaded my mind more than once, throughout all of the day and into the evening, that this nation is in denial as a whole. Some more than others, and some less than others, but for the most part, living in sweet ignorance, and loving it. I don't like that we celebrate 04 July for independence when Americans raped, pillaged and subjugated other peoples in order to build this amazing nation only to discriminate against them hundreds of years later. I don't like what America is doing now and (sadly) I don't like alot of what America stands for anymore. I seem to run into so many who are unforgivably selfish. I'm not an idiot, I know that man is selfish by nature but there has to be some give, somewhere. America is so utterly dependent on others for everything: oil, fashion, vehicles, alcohol, school teachers, diamonds, textiles, computers, medicine, foods, electronics, weaponry, farm workers...the list is excruciatingly long. We get it elsewhere because we can, no matter that our nation's children are growing up stupid and incorrigible. No matter that the American dollar is beyond weak. No matter that America is so used to being a massive world power and bullying other nations around, and now we have lost the world's respect.

America is my home. I don't feel at home here sometimes, but it is my home nonetheless. I love the ideals that America was originally founded upon (though it wasn't perfect then, either). I see the decline, however, and it's been for awhile, and I'm not the only one. We're losing freedoms and the people are placated by promises of safety. We're consistently spending more than we have. We're arrogant and try to force our ideals and politics on sovereign nations. We don't think of consequences because we've never really had to deal with them before. In our minds, America is sacred, immortal, just, righteous. I can't help but to think that perhaps the people thought the same about the Roman Empire once upon a time.

03 July 2008

Misunderstanding: Part One.

I've done some thinking, in general, on different ideas of faith. Specifically I'm going to revisit the whole "Golden Rule" thing, what some deem the "ethics of reciprocity". I'll admit, I just took my thought and went with it, and although I'd done some research, I don't think I fully explored the topic properly and therefore my comments were underformed. I'm taking the time (for me if no one else) to really try to convey my view on this.

I want to first explain why I put Thelema in the same group as other faiths that follow ethics of reciprocity. Here is an excerpt from Thelema 101:

“Every man and every woman is a star.”
This is usually taken to mean that each individual is unique and has their own path in a spacious universe wherein they can move freely without collision.
“Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.” and “Thou hast no right but to do thy will.”
Most Thelemites hold that every person possesses a True Will, a single overall motivation for their existence. The Law of Thelema mandates that each person follow their True Will to attain fulfillment in life and freedom from restriction of their nature. Because no two True Wills can be in real conflict (according to “Every man and every woman is a star”), this Law also prohibits one from interfering with the True Will of any other person. As each person has a unique point-of-view of the universe, no one can determine the True Will for another person.
"Love is the Law, love under will."
This is an important corollary to the above, indicating that the essential nature of the Law of Thelema is that of Love. Each individual unites with his or her True Self in Love, and so empowered, the entire universe of conscious beings unites with every other being in Love. Of course, with the emphasis on freedom and individuality inherent in Thelema, the beliefs of any given Thelemite are likely to differ from those of any other...The important thing is that each person has the right to fulfill themselves through whatever beliefs and actions are best suited to them (so long as they do not interfere with the will of others), and only they themselves are qualified to determine what these are."

As with all websites, there is a chance of misinformation. So, perhaps, this was not the best place to find information but this is where I found an understanding of Thelema. There are other sites, of course, though this one seemed to spell it out in the simplest terms. In reading through this website (the introduction page in particular) it seemed to make clear to me that although all Thelemites discover and follow their true will, they try to do their own thing without getting in the way of others, thereby not imposing their will upon anyone else.

Could I be wrong? Of course. Am I going to freak out over it? No. Would I like to learn more? Sure. But now, at least, I've laid it out exactly as I've come to understand it. Stay tuned for Part Two!

01 July 2008


I got a comment on my latest post, regarding Thelema...I love when others actually have the courage to set me straight. No sarcasm. I think it may have been partially due to a misunderstanding (I didn't make myself clear) but I really want to think it over and research a little more, first. If anyone who follows that path feels the desire to educate me, I am open to it. I am certainly not wanting to spread misinformation.

In other news:

I'm sick of people who don't bother looking up their e-mails to make sure they aren't hoaxes. And some of them are absolutely ridiculous. I read Snopes 25 top hoaxes today and I swear to you that about 30% of my inbox is that shit. It's not so much that someone sends it, I don't mind mass-deleting, but I mind the personal comments written with it, usually perpetuating hate or anger. If it's true, I understand how the sentiment might be applied. But to waste so much time and energy with unnecessary negativity is beyond me.

Been working with Jerry lately, a traveller out of...Michigan? I think so. He's got alot of patience, and has no problem teaching. I miss working with Victor since we always had so much fun (I love when he yelled "Yáadilá!" out of frustration), but I need to learn other parts of the trade so...

Speaking of other parts of the trade, the current solar job is on hold; another casino conglomerate is challenging legality form what I understand. It's a bummer, I was seriously looking forward to it, but we've bid on another job and I'm hoping something comes through. I feel the joys of photovoltaics in my veins, I have to work with it. But at least I'll have some extra time to get my state and national certifications, in the meantime.