So fucking exhausted...

But at least I have a weekend off. My first weekend in what...2 months? I know that going for that long without a day off isn't anything to some people but I'm just fatigued. I can barely keep my eyes open and yet I'm up at this ungodly hour doing this, since I never get teh chance to stay up late anymore. I prolly should be doing homework...Lord knows I've got a ton of it.

We plan on going to the international market tomorrow. I'm jonesing for gummi bärchen and we're going to get Tannah a mini-rice cooker for work. He's going to try to start taking care of himself better, eating right and all. I should too...he gets pissed at me for skipping meals but if I'm not hungry I shouldn't have to eat. I don't go for days without eating or anything, I just skip maybe a meal a day, which is nothing to freak out over. He's also pissed I don't drink enough milk...I guess some huge study came out that said that taking supplements doesn't prevent fractures like milk does, so he's on me constantly to drink milk. I can't help that it tastes just, like ass. I have to have chocolate in it or I can't stand it...except European milk. Even Tannah says it tastes better. I could drink Euro-milk daily.

01 mars était le jour national de conscience de "SI". J'ai oubliée, ouais...c'est une bonne chose? Je ne me suis pas coupée depuis septembre, un mois après la mort de petit Gabriel. J'ai une cicatrice laide qui semble suicidaire, mais elle a commencé à guérir. Je suppose que "l'art d'auto-découpage" est comme un suicide systématique, a tout façon...je ne sais pas si je dis tout correctement, mais puisque j'écris déjà en français, je devrais également dire que je suis toujours très, très inquiétée de Logan. Il me manque, il toujours me parlais, et maintenant il est trop silencieux. Il ne fait pas confiance à personne. Tristesse...

And you know what's really uncool? Someone mentioned that I had gained alot of weight since last year. And I did, I gained almost 20 pounds during my pregnancy with Gabriel. And it's like, I wanted to tell him, it's not that I simply got fat. It's that I just had a baby six months ago. But how can I explain that? As soon as I say it, he would just say "Oh congrats" or something, and I'd have to explain that Gabriel died, and there would be awkwardness...it's just really hard when you've got pregna-mama weight and nothing--or no one--to show for it.