Angry.

Ever since I lost Gabriel 7 months ago, my sister Kelsrin has been terrified that my other sister would lose her baby, Radek, as well. So my mom works for a teacher at Kelsrin's parochial school who is pregnant, and to calm Kelsrin's fears, my mom took her to the teacher's baby shower. Everything was great until the teacher went into labour during the party. She was far enough along, so no worries. But when the baby was born, she wasn't breathing, and only after trying neonatal CPR did the doctor discover that the baby had no lungs. Of course, this didn't help Kelsrin at all. In fact, of all the pregnancies I have known of in the past year, (nearly 10) only one has turned out okay, the rest have died...let's hope Radek's birth makes that two. So needless to say I spent the past two days being really angry at God, and cycling between guilt and depression. I've calmed down now, but it's more of a numb-calm than anything else. I'm finding Logan's stoicism in me now, which has it's purpose but it's just not practical.

También, tengo muchas ganas de cortarme. Los impulsos han sido tremendos. Ya no tengo láminas quirúrgicas más sino que tengo las láminas titanium para el trabajo. No he necesitado suturas en unos meses... estoy haciendo lo mejor que pueda hacer, yo me recuerdo que no tengo que estar en dolor para funcionar, pero siente esa manera. Hay así que muchas cosas que no puedo decir, así que muchas cosas tengo que aceptar y no puedo, todavía no. Me dicen que necesite volverme a la terapia... estoy harto de la terapia. Puedo hablar sobre algo solamente para así que muchas horas y para así que muchas semanas... llega a ser sin setido. Violada y abusada y abandonada y quebrada y entonces, y entonces, después de muchas pérdidas Dios trae Gabriel al Cielo... que pienso también a veces que éste es demasiado. Me abruman. Yo sé que si me corto, el interior del dolor será ido. Pero si deseo guardar mi trabajo, no puedo cortarme. No puedo. No me cae bien la vida, a veces...sabes que, yo escribí un poema, una vez, en español. (Unos poemas, actualmente, pero ya.....) Este poema dice muchas veces "Que se chinguen", y ahorita eso es cómo me siento. No odio a Dios, y no le culpo por cualquiera de esto, sino que me pregunto a veces porqué él no lo paró, nunca. Yo sé que la vida es tan difícil, y entiendo que cada uno tiene problemas pero estoy cansada. No puedo dirigir mucho más. Las razones me están dejando lentamente.

Got bit. And other stuff.

I was at work today, installing a chandelier in one of the rooms. I was working with two journeymen who would hoist it up while I terminated it and secured it to the ceiling. Well, in one of the rooms, the HDTV was on, and we were all kinda joking about the person giving an interview, and so no one was really paying attention, even though the tower is on permenant power. I didn't check the switch, I didn't check the circuit, and as I leaned in to connect the grounds together and zzzzapp I got bit with 120 volts. I can't believe I was so stupid. It didn't burn me of course, but it still wasn't any fun. All things considered, it was pretty funny, though, and we laughed about it once we all knew I was okay. I guess you had to be there.

J'ai vraiment un temps difficile aujourd'hui. Quelqu'un au travail parlait de sa fille, qui a été violée. Il m'a incité à penser à le moment quand j'ai été violée souvent quand j'étais jeune. J'avais eu des retours en arrière. Et ça fait mal, tellement, pour savoir que mon enfance était si douloureux. Je me sens utilisée et gaspillée. je me sens comme un jouet juste jeté aux hommes pour leur plaisir. Quelque chose stupide et sans importance. Personne ne se sont inquiétés si je saignais ou pleurais ou ne voulais pas jouer leurs "jeux". Je souhaite que je pourrais admettre ceci en anglais. Je souhaite que Tannah n'ait pas dû souffrir. Il le blesse quand je ne peux pas être touchée, ou si j'ai peur des hommes. Je souhaite que je pourrais me guérir.

Thinking too much.

My sister is moving across the country in less than a week. She's 8 months pregnant. I worry for her. And I'll miss her. There was a time when we weren't all that close for various reasons, and now we are...it's just sad. But I hope things work out for her and her family. Vegas really is a shithole to raise kids in. She did say that she'll participate in our annual Bastille Day party, though; I have some recipes for crêpes and stuff so she can celebrate there.

I'm alone right now. I think too much when I'm alone. I mean, I can have music going or a movie or whatever, but it always comes back to something more. I feel haunted and empty, like an old house. It's weird, when I feel this way, my first reaction is to switch languages, as if it's safer to talk about things from Before in Spanish or French. I need to get used to saying them in English. I don't know why I have that reaction; it's not as if no one can understand, like it's coded. Anyone who really wanted to know, could know. Just sometimes English feels too open and vulnerable.

A moment of truth here: I'm having a hard time adjusting. Knowing what normalcy is, and trying to live it as if it applied to me. I know: what is normal, right? Normal is being cognizant of reality on a moment-to-moment basis. Not to say I'm psychotic...I'm not. I'm not delusional, and I don't have problems understanding what reality is. But being there for it? That's another story. Honestly, I sometimes think it would be easier to just come out with it. If I were honest with myself and with everyone around me about who I really am, it would take out alot of the guesswork, I think. But I have to remember that there are consequences for our every action. And I don't like the possible consequences. I've found in the past that admitting certain things about myself can be damaging. So I don't.

The interesting thing is this: I often hide the wrong things. There are things I've hidden about myself that would have greatly benefited me had I come forward sooner. And things I have accepted and admitted to myself or openly that have been...let us say, "very bad indeed". And now I struggle with this other side of me, feeling in my heart that I don't want to hide anymore, but knowing intellectually that it's the way it has to be.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that being "different" isn't acceptable.

Powering down

So, drove in to work today...they had closed off the parking lot. No notice or anything, and why not? We're just construction workers. So everyone got rerouted to this back lot in the middle of a larger, dirt lot. I was late getting in, of course. That sucks.

And yesterday, right before walk-out time, we were called to the 20th floor to take out all the temporary power. No warning, either, not for us or for all the workers busting their asses up there. We opened the panel, flipped the breaker, and the entire floor went dark. Guys were cursing, tripping over saws and cords...it was awful. We worked two hours overtime trying to get the place lit up and all the service entrance cable cleared out of the way so no one would fall. And today? We got called again to replace two of the spider boxes, because there simply wasn't enough power for all the men, but there wasn't a directive, so it couldn't be signed off, so we couldn't actually perform the work...so we spent a good portion of the day riding elevators up and down with the temp power panels.

Until, of course, somebody whined about the icky construction workers, and how the elevators smelled "like men", and how everything was so dirty, so now all subcontractors are confined to the use of one elevator. Granted, there's a 150-man layoff from our contractor alone, this Friday. But how can they expect us to produce when hundreds of workers can't get where they need to go to do what they need to do? It's not like you can run up 20 flights of stairs (or 19...there isn't a floor 13) with 30 pounds of tools strapped to your hips and an additional 60 pounds of equipment and then have any energy left over to do anything.

I know the job is powering down. I know that this is how it is when the floors and sections are turned over to the owner. But seriously...we quite literally put our lives on the line building a structure and we get treated like subhumans at the end. I just can't wait until they remove the porta-johns and then tell us we can't use the in-house toilets.

Things that piss me off enough to commit a crime

1. Children of the Underground...not the homeless kids in Romania, but the advocacy group that helps parents kidnap their kids from custodial parents. It's sick. I think these people should be gutted. (Not the kids...just the people involved with these kidnappings that feminists seem to be okay with.) How does this organization exist? Why is there no outcry? An FBI agent I won't name gave statistics that over 4 million children are missing in this country at any given time, and only half are ever found...the rest, not even a body. The FBI doesn't know actual numbers, for some reason, and he gave his theories that I won't list here. How many of those missing are due to this movement?
2. The so called "False-Memory Syndrome Foundation". Sure, no one will remember anything verbatim (for want of a better term), but it's been proven time and time again that when something traumatic happens, the chemicals from the terror and despair can actually cause scar tissue over the part of the brain that holds memory; thus, the amnesia. I think it exists for the sole purpose of protecting rich, educated child abusers. Granted: the memory can be manipulated. Highly skilled hypnotists can implant false memories. But I don't for a minute believe that it's as rampant as this foundation states. I think instead that society doesn't want to deal with such daunting statistics.
3. The American Psychiatric Association and the fact that according to reports and news articles, professors and psychiatrists have banded together (a foundation called "Ipce") and are saying now that pedophilia can be nurturing and that shielding children from sex is a "right-wing" idea and actually harmful for a developing child. I didn't believe it either. There are two books in print now that I found on the subject, you can look them up on Amazon: "Harmful to Minors: the Perils of Protecting Children from Sex", by Judith Levine and Jocelyn Elders; and "Understanding Loved Boys and Boy Lovers," by David L. Riegel. I'm sure there are more, with Ipce actually existing globally.

The Wranglers got their asses handed to them.

So it's been a few days. It's not so bad that I don't write in this thing every day anyway. Can't let myself get too obsessed. I do have an addictive personality, you know.

It turns out I'm not really on Javier's crew. He's the foreman for the temp power in the tower, phase 1. I'm doing temp power for the tower, phase 2. Different general foreman, different superintendent. So I'm working solo with Les, he's getting set up as a foreman as we speak. Javier and Les work together though, since the phase 1 is powering down and it's crunch time, with the property opening in just a month. After it opens, I'm not sure if Javier will even stay on the jobsite. It's hard to tell for certain in construction, there's always so many transfers and lay-offs near the end. But anyway, I like what I'm doing alot. I'm actually doing something and I'm getting a lot of exercise climbing up dozzens of ladders, since the manlift only goes up to the fifth floor now. Plus, I'm learning about power distribution and load capacities, more on transformers and grounding. So I'm happy.

What I'm not happy about is the fact that the Wranglers got crushed by the Alaska Aces. The Aces fanclub is so damn obnoxious, with their annoying cowbells. I hate when our guys play the Aces. It was an awful defeat, too: 5-1. I couldn't believe it. But I did buy a jersey, their alternative one. They're still in the play-offs after all.

Lots o' stuff...quicktime

I'm tired, so there's not a lot of time. So I'll give a rundown:

Got my transfer slip today. I'm being transferred (semi-permenantly) to Red Rock, Tower Phase-Two, on the temp power crew. Javier's crew...he's a 4th year instructor, and I met him once, he seems nice enough. We'll see. My toolie's going to be (for now anyway) Les, who's a 2nd year instructor. I should learn alot. And I was on a temp power crew in Area 3-A at the Wynn for a few months, that was a blast. Hope it's like that for Red Rock too.

Started our hoisting and rigging class. It's for 3 nights and a Saturday. We got to watch movies about cranes falling over and destroying things and killing people. James said it was going to be "exciting" but at no point does hoisting or rigging fall into that category. So we have some more movies to watch, and homework, and after some practical experience we'll take a test. Yay for more certification cards...my wallet's full of them.

What else? Oh...two people I know are hurting, badly. Lots of "stuff" going on. "Stuff". I can give advice but Logan told me I wasn't qualified to give advice on their troubles, since I haven't "been there". Maybe not exactly but I can empathize. Just like how they empathize with me. Logan's such an...over-reactor? Yeah. I'm specifically going to use that word because not only does it fit, but it sounds grammatically incorrect so it's going to irk him.

Oh yeah...and today was the Ides of March.

Rant: Ugly Americans

Today at work we had a surprise birthday party for our foreman. He's a good guy. And we were clustering a bit, talking about nothing in particular, but someone brought up how I went to Europe over the summer. One of them asked if I had enjoyed my time in France.

"Yeah, it was great! I loved France."
Then from afar: "I hate the French..."

Now this guy, I hadn't even been talking to him so it was rude for him to even poke into our conversation. Aside from the fact that, after hearing I loved France, his comment couldn't have been anything more than something to stir shit up. So I asked him if he had ever been to France, or if he knew any Frenchmen. He didn't. I asked why he hated the French, then. He told me, "It's my right. Besides, you know how they are." What a great non-answer. Misinformed, uncultured, senseless sheep. Following the flock, having no clue as to why they hate, just hating for the sake of it.

And that's not all...I was reading through my e-mail and some low-brow idiot sent me this joke:
(paraphrasing)
Q:What do you get when the U.S. puts a fence around its southern border? A: Spic and Span.

Firstly, it didn't even make sense, and I was too disgusted and offended to even look at who sent it. I deleted it before I wrote some kind of distateful hatemail back at them. Why is that funny? What kind of childish, ignorant fools are among us that they must take someone different than they are, just to berate them? Does it make them feel better? Stronger? Does it feed the emptiness that their insecurites bleed from them?

So basically, here it is: Go ahead, we have the right to hate anyone we want. Hating a group of people, or a nationality, or a race, or a gender, for no decent reason--and hating a whole group of anyone, there's never a decent reason for that--if you're ignorant enough to play into that naive and primitive mindset, then just remember that you are the Ugly American, you are the reason America is despised and feared, and when some liberal news program shows nationals from somewhere "over there" burning American flags and torching embassies...it's your fault, and you deserve it. And why not? You hate them, they may as well give you a reason.

Feeling "small" today.

Wanting a cookie...sadness

There's one chocolate chip cookie left in there...I'm fighting urges to eat it. I guess I'm a sugar addict. I mean, honestly, there's four bags of Haribo fruchtgummi waiting for me too...and Hanuta...and Kinder Surprise...maybe I'm just addicted to German candy? I think maybe just that sugar is a cheap substitute for happiness. And I'm okay with that. It's cheaper and easier on your liver than Prozac.

I'm also really really wanting Hpnotiq. It doesn't make alot of sense, but the part of me that's basically addicted to addiction is out in full-force tonight. Maybe "Excess" is my middle name. It's always been a problem, and anyone who knows me will attest to that. I'll find something and latch onto it, obsessing madly over whatever it is. Some addictions are worse than others and some of them really linger. Some are self-destructive...well, I guess all addictions have the capacity for being destructive. Drugs, sex, gambling, crises...even something as benign as cleanliness or well, for me, sugar.

J'ai trop de penchants, particulièrement d'Avant. Je ne sais pas...mais, quand j'étais jeune, il y avait beaucoup de mauvaises choses que j'ai faites, et beaucoup de mauvaises choses que j'ai vues. Je ne peux pas parler d'elles beaucoup, ici. J'étais la victime et la malfaiteuse, je suppose, mais... d'accord, penchants. Les autres dans ma famille originelle m'ont rendu intoxiquée par beaucoup de choses, comme des drogues, la nourriture, je suis même devenu intoxiquée à me blesser, et je pense qui était mon penchant plus fort. Les drogues étaient difficiles, aussi... des narcotiques très hardcore. C'était beaucoup d'années, et parfois je veux toujours la joie d'engourdissement. Mais cette, ou la "haute" intense, ou même le sang. Je ne peux pas. Pas plus. Je n'ai pas utilisé une lame chirurgicale depuis septembre, et c'était la dernière fois que les sutures étaient nécessaires. Je suis fière. Mais je dois me rappeler où j'étais, Avant, de sorte que je ne sois pas là encore. Mon avenir est trop important.

Logan's back!

I missed him so much. He has a habit of just...disappearing for weeks. And there's never any warning, like a normal person; plus, he never has an explanation for where he was or what he was doing. But that's typically Logan. Anyone who knows him, knows that. Even if you don't know anything else about him, you know that. It's almost a joke between us, actually.

I've been increasingly worried about him for the past year or so. Especially these past few months, he's openly said he's actively suicidal. It doesn't seem like one of those cry-for-help things, either. Just very stoic and matter-of-fact-like, very much Logan. See, the thing is...I can't get into alot of it, for his safety and for my privacy. But anyway..I've known Logan forever, seriously. He's always been so good to me, but he's got his asshole-moments. Which I guess is an integral part of any relationship. I'm very close to him, at least I'd like to think I am. I know there's alot of things he doesn't tell me. He keeps alot to himself. And you know, I don't care, he doesn't have to tell me but he needs an outlet, someone to talk to. He's got friends, of course, we know alot of the same people. But he doesn't really open up. He's got this false sense of what a man should be, of what a soldier should be: invincible, fearless, honourable and completely detached. It's not healthy for him. It's not healthy for anyone, and Logan keeps so much inside and he's going to really destroy himself one of these days. He's already about as self-destructive as they come, and the only thing he "allows" himself to feel is rage and hatred. Usually directed at himself. Something's got to give, sooner or later.

So anyway, Logan's back, I'm glad he's back. Maybe he took some time for himself and thought things through...I doubt it, but I can always hope.

Me duele...X?

Fui al doctor ayer, para un examen pélvico. Realmente odio esos examenes. De todas maneras, el doctor era "en cuestión" en la hinchazón y el dolor del útero, así que él decidía contra un ultrasonido diagnóstico y en lugar de otro, él eligió pedir una laparoscopia. El Dr. Liu preguntó por embarazos anteriores y le dije mi historia. Él también preguntó por mis cicatrices, y le dije la verdad de ellas también. Él se parecía en cuestión sobre la depresión persistente pero le dije que yo fuera bien okay. Él me dijo que, "Vale más que tu no cortaras más", o él lo divulgue como tentativa del suicidio. Entiendo su intento, y es tan valeroso, pero esa idea no es realista.

Pues, me djo que el problema podría ser endometriosis pero él duda eso. También podría ser algo como placenta adicional del embarazo, o aún un feto muerto... el Dr. Liu también mencionó que él piensa que mi desorden de coagulación podría ser el problema. El Dr. Liu dice que después de la cirugía, habrá una ocasión del 20% que no encontrarán cualquier cosa mal. Eso me da miedo. Deseo la razón de mi dolor encontrado y entonces lo deseo curé, aunque me preocupo mucho la cirugía. No deseo un ataque isquémico transitorio, o peor. Pero este dolor tiene que parar.

You know, and another thing...I saw an ad on the back of a Hummer off of Sahara and the Strip, that was advertising "Xtazy" energy...something, pills or a drink or something, I don't know. But the tagline was, "Let's get rollin'..." Do they have any idea the parallels of that to the ever-popular rave joy X? Would parents? Does anyone even care? I was actually kind of shocked, it's a little ballsy. If that's intentional, then I can't imagine it sticking around. But if it's an accident (like Taco Bell's Chilito embarassment) then I guess it might just be something teenagers laugh about in private with their friends. I don't know. I guess it took me off-guard.

Sick and disturbing.

Taken from Yahoo! News:

"Mexican law often works against [rape] victims. Many states codify incest as consensual sex, even with girls as young as 12, so a victim can be denied an abortion and face incest charges if she is raped by her father, brother or other relative.
One teenager was repeatedly raped by her father and became pregnant, but prosecutors convinced her to charge him with incest instead of rape to reduce his sentence, precluding her from having an abortion, the report said.
'I am certain that the child I am expecting is my father's because I never had (sex) with anyone else," the girl said in court documents. "I don't want to have the child that I am expecting, because I will not be able to love it.'
She now lives at home, with her father and the child she bore."

It makes me nauseous. And what's worse, is there's going to be some asshole who says, "Well, she's still living with her dad, so apparently it wasn't all that unwanted."

It just brings to mind another story I heard, not too long ago, from Italy. A man raped his girlfriend's 14-year old daughter and the detectives are saying it was at least somewhat consensual, because since she had previous sexual partners, it could not have been traumatic. The argument went on to say, "it's not like it was her real father"...as if the fact he was a father figure didn't make it traumatic...or maybe that the fact she was raped wasn't traumatic, either...

A major problem with this is, the news article made it sound like this kind of thing only happens in other countries, that America isn't at all like that. How many people are freaking out over the California "Incest-Exception" law? Sure they're trying to overturn it...over 20 years later. And what's really fucked up, is there are actually people opposing the bill to overturn it...saying that parents and siblings that abuse the children in their familes aren't really pedophiles, they just can't control their heinous behaviour when stressed. So that apparently makes it okay.

California isn't the only state. It was only in 2002 that North Carolina reversed its "incest-Exception" law. In fact, more than 20 states have laws classifying incest as a "Class C" or lower crime. For instance, in New York, incest is a Class E felony; in Missouri, it's a Class D felony. And the list goes on. There was an article in Parade in which Andrew Vachss (known child advocate) mentioned something that really makes one think: "And we [as a nation] provide a special immunity to sex offenders who grow their own victims..." I mean that just makes me want to beat the shit out of something.

I don't know...I have alot more to say about this but I think I'm going to stab my own eye out instead.

On peut tout refaire!

Called into work, my back was absolutely killing me. I couldn't sit up to get out of bed. Now, my back has been acting up since I had Gabriel. Everyone says it's painful but it gets better, and this has actually gotten worse. I can't bend over to tie my shoes, I can't sit for very long at all...I can stand and walk fine, it's weird. So anyway, I went to the doctor. Since I just got my insurance card, I went to urgent care. I despise those places, but I was desperate.

Well, after hearing the symptoms and doing a pelvic exam...another favourite of mine (they didn't use any lube! There's always time for lube!!)...they told me they think I have a post-natal infection, due to possible residual "tissue or clotting" or something. And well, that sucks. So I have to see an OB-GYN to get completely checked out. Not fun.

I went to class tonight (no surprise there) and this XFMRs thing...no wonder it was confusing. Let me explain how our textbooks work: We get a series of books and textbooks that we use throughout the apprenticeship. All the chapters are colour-coded, like third-year is this ugly yellow-orange colour, blue is for second-year, etc., so when you have homework you know which is for your year. It's stupid, I know. But anyway I spent literally hours trying to do this homework in our XFMRs book, and the textbook wasn't matching up to the workbook. It made no sense. I even called James and asked "What the hell?" but his phone was off so that was no help. I came into class and I told him, "You know, I don't have shit done, if you want to send me home that's fine but first explain where I'm supposed to find these answers." And he asked to see what I was working on, and that, and it came out that I was accidentally doing second-year homework, and using my third-year text to try to answer it. So I feel alot better, I wasn't so stupid that I couldn't find it...I was just stupid enough to not notice the colour-coded pages.

We wound up going over code (NEC) practices in class, and XFMR windings with dual voltages and all. It confused the holy you-know out of me and I had to stay after class for help. Once I understood the fundamentals of the delta and wye connections, and how to put them in series versus parallel, it was cake. I still am a little confused about some of it, but I think I'll do okay on my exam Wednesday. I just wish we were doing XFMRs out on the field so I could get some hands-on, you know? It's always easier to understand a concept when you can apply it.

So, on peut tout refaire...I guess I was referring to my entire day. It's not that it regally sucked, just...it's definitely a candidate for a do-over.

Euro-Ford SportKA: the KA's evil-twin

So I saw the videos for the Ford SportKA, the "evil twin" of the KA. I feel bad for laughing, but I almost gave myself a seizure. I'm sure even if it wasn't a car not being released here, the commercials just wouldn't fly, at all. PETA would go ballistic. And it's not that I don't like cats...I met a cat named Tin-Tin that I actually wasn't allergic to, it was nice. I think it was, you know, the way it was filmed or something. And the shock value. No, really, I'm not still laughing.

Yeah, okay, I'll post them:

KA Cat
KA Bird
Disclaimer of no animal cruelty...

And you know, just to clarify, I really do find this disturbing. I'm not like, a creepy sadist. It's that it's so completely shocking to me that I can't help but to be amazed by it, and knowing it's computer-generated helps alleviating the guilt associated.

Declassified

I'm a big fan of studying American declassified documents released from the Freedom of Information Act...it's pretty intense. Been reading up on CIA mind-control docs...stuff from MK-Ultra, Project Artichoke, stuff like that. Even the more recent Project LUCID...even though, yeah, it's not mind-control, per se. I know that most of the cases brought against the American government are being settled and they are finally starting to acknowledge the experiemnts on soldiers and civilians, but still, it's shocking that this all happened, and still happens.

I found sources that go into this kind of thing. I really hesitate to go into it exactly because you know, the whole Big Brother thing. Patriot Act,and all of that. (Read it, it's terrifying.) But anyway, these sources have alot of information, and yeah, I know everyone's got a story. And maybe it's not all true. But it's declassified from our own government. Why would they make this up? That's a logical thought process, I think.

Here's a few excerpts:


"A CIA document dated 10 Feb 1954 describes an experiment on the creation of unsuspecting assassins: “Miss [whited out] was instructed (having expressed a fear of firearms) that she would use every method at her disposal to awaken Miss [whited out] (now in a deep hypnotic sleep). Failing this, she would pick up a pistol and fire it at Miss [whited out]. She was instructed that she would not hesitate to “kill” [whited out]. Miss [whited out] carried out these suggestions including firing the (unloaded) gun at [whited out] and then proceeded to fall into a deep sleep. After proper suggestions were made, both were awakened. Miss [whited out] expressed absolute denial that the foregoing sequence had happened.” BB 36, 37..."

and:


"A declassified CIA document dated 7 Jan 1953 describes the experimental creation of multiple personality in two 19-year old girls. “These subjects have clearly demonstrated that they can pass from a fully awake state to a deep H [hypnotic] controlled state by telephone, by receiving written matter, or by the use of code, signal, or words, and that control of those hypnotized can be passed from one individual to another without great difficulty. It has also been shown by experimentation with these girls that they can act as unwilling couriers for information purposes. BB 32..."


.........Does it scare me? Not really. I think it's more like, to be expected. No one really has any rights, not in America or anywhere else. Freedom is an illusion...and I'm not getting into solipsism here, I'm just stating what I believe to true. It would be too simple if we really had rights and freedoms. Maybe that's why I don't go ballistic over so-called rights, like the right to bear arms being taken away in San Fransisco, or the so-called right to an abortion coming close to being nixed in where was it, South Dakota? I know it's all a game.

I'm not jaded. Just informed.

So fucking exhausted...

But at least I have a weekend off. My first weekend in what...2 months? I know that going for that long without a day off isn't anything to some people but I'm just fatigued. I can barely keep my eyes open and yet I'm up at this ungodly hour doing this, since I never get teh chance to stay up late anymore. I prolly should be doing homework...Lord knows I've got a ton of it.

We plan on going to the international market tomorrow. I'm jonesing for gummi bärchen and we're going to get Tannah a mini-rice cooker for work. He's going to try to start taking care of himself better, eating right and all. I should too...he gets pissed at me for skipping meals but if I'm not hungry I shouldn't have to eat. I don't go for days without eating or anything, I just skip maybe a meal a day, which is nothing to freak out over. He's also pissed I don't drink enough milk...I guess some huge study came out that said that taking supplements doesn't prevent fractures like milk does, so he's on me constantly to drink milk. I can't help that it tastes just, like ass. I have to have chocolate in it or I can't stand it...except European milk. Even Tannah says it tastes better. I could drink Euro-milk daily.

01 mars était le jour national de conscience de "SI". J'ai oubliée, ouais...c'est une bonne chose? Je ne me suis pas coupée depuis septembre, un mois après la mort de petit Gabriel. J'ai une cicatrice laide qui semble suicidaire, mais elle a commencé à guérir. Je suppose que "l'art d'auto-découpage" est comme un suicide systématique, a tout façon...je ne sais pas si je dis tout correctement, mais puisque j'écris déjà en français, je devrais également dire que je suis toujours très, très inquiétée de Logan. Il me manque, il toujours me parlais, et maintenant il est trop silencieux. Il ne fait pas confiance à personne. Tristesse...

And you know what's really uncool? Someone mentioned that I had gained alot of weight since last year. And I did, I gained almost 20 pounds during my pregnancy with Gabriel. And it's like, I wanted to tell him, it's not that I simply got fat. It's that I just had a baby six months ago. But how can I explain that? As soon as I say it, he would just say "Oh congrats" or something, and I'd have to explain that Gabriel died, and there would be awkwardness...it's just really hard when you've got pregna-mama weight and nothing--or no one--to show for it.

Coding.

Today was...interesting.

I've been tailoring MySpace off and on now for a long time. A few hours at least. But I'm learning alot about HTML coding in the process. I think my new fave is the anchor tag....it's a new one for me. Am I lame, or what?

Might get rotated...not to a different contractor, but within Bombard. Which is fine, but I really like the superintendent I'm with now. Chances are, if I get rotated, I'll go to someone else. But I'll be out on the field, and with Red Rock powering down, there's not alot left as far as options go. But Cherry is still far from finished, so I'll prolly go there this weekend...I hate working time, I really do, but it's good experience and working 20 hours on the weekend doubles my paycheck. I want to go to Asia this September, so I have to save up. I really hope the apprenticeship committee lets me go.

This music deal on the MySpace is really starting to piss me off. It's by System of a Down, love the song, absolutely love it, but it's glitchy. It's turns itself on and off by whim. It did the same thing with Je Saigne Encore. I can't tell if it's just us, or what.

Tired. I have a lot of emails to catch up on. And homework!! I can't believe the textbook we have for transformers, it's ridiculous. It's dry and long-winded, I can't concentrate at all. You know, I can't believe I have 2 more years of this shit left.

"Excess" my middle name?

I don't know what the hell happened today. I was tired--but sure, I always am--and I had a headache, figured it was from the fatigue. So I took a No-Doz with an aspirin. That was a bad idea. I don't know if it was because I took them together or because I hadn't eaten anything or what, but my headache's worse and I haven't stopped throwing up in three hours. And it's like, projectile. I think I scared my foreman.

So somehow I have to study, do homework, and get to school, all without throwing up on myself. I wonder how I did on my exam. I feel like shit, seriously, like it's a hangover. I haven't been able to keep anything down, I wonder if I ate, would I feel better? Or would it compound the nausea? That's it, I'm swearing off No-Doz. I should, really. I'm too dependant: No-Doz in the morning. Melatonin at night. Colloidal silver in the afternoon. And here everyone thought I was off my meds...ha! Now I just have to squeeze in some glucosamine and chondroitin...

You know, maybe it wasn't No-Doz...I felt sick when we were getting those fuses together, after I tried eating that damn astronaut-chicken for lunch. Maybe it wasn't any good. I think I'll try to eat something and see what happens.

Logan hasn't been keeping up, where the hell is he? I'm worried about him.

This post is all over the place.