21 April 2008
Really: if I keep refusing to change things, then I haven't the right to sit here feeling depressed and full of self-pity. I know that, usually, the worst of it comes in the early hours, when I lay silently in bed wishing the pills would kick in...or something, anything...I'm sick of these sleepless nights, mind full of too much shit that refuses to keep still.
I watched Across the Universe yesterday. It was cute. I hate the Beatles so that kind of ruined it for me. What got to me, though, was the end: "All you need is love"? Bullshit. Love is a beautiful idea, of course, but...I don't know. It does exist, don't get me wrong; just in mainstream society, something lacks, there's just lust then passion and then familiarity. I'm off-topic.
I really wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what would make this right, I look at my previous post and it's all bouncy and happy. Even the post before that, as frightening as that was, the post had a happy feel. And then this. All pissy and negative and it's annoying. I've been tested...I know I'm not bipolar. They've tried throwing other labels on me, but that's never been one of them.
I've been analysing my life lately. I'm pretty lucky: I've got a really well-paying job that, for the most part, I enjoy. Spiritually, I'm free and comfortable. I'm a homeowner that isn't struggling with payments. I own a reliable vehicle and petrol prices aren't murdering my soul. Despite my rants about my blood disorder, I'm relatively healthy. I'm well-fed, well-clothed, and insured in about every way one can be insured. I'm loved, I have a pretty decent support foundation, and I find a reason to smile every day.
So what the fuck is my problem? I'm not happy, despite all of that. There are people around me that are having much more serious issues and I'm whining about...what exactly? At first I thought maybe I was bored, complacent with life and wanting to move to a different level. Now I think it's beyond being discontent, and that's evident by the fact that I've heard from Rhiannon, and a few others, but not from Logan. Yeah he's busy but with him, one never knows. Something's changed, and secretly inside, I'm sure I know. Maybe I just don't want to deal with it. I hate consequences.