19 August 2006

How do I tell you, Daddy?

I don't know how to write it, let alone say it. There's just pages of things that I avoid saying or thinking, and part of me feels it needs to be resolved. But I'm not sure it ever can be fully resolved. These aren't things I know how to admit, and I'm afraid if I do, it'll affect our relationship. I don't know how many times I wrote about it and then cancelled the e-mail before I hit "send". You like to talk face-to-face, but when? And how, if I can't bring myself to say it even here?

None of it is anything that can be possibly percieved as your fault. It has to do with things from Before, things I scarcely speak aloud, and it affects where I fit in, I guess...I feel torn between too many things, and I hide them always. I think sometimes I pull it off, and no one notices...but other times I just don't have the energy to pretend anymore. I'm not sure what to do about it. Admittedly, I'm not who I claim to be; so many other facets rule me and I'm more of a carefully crafted mask than anything else. But I don't have a choice, otherwise. To be as I truly am wouldn't allow for functionality in the acceptable sense dictated by society. Sometimes I hate what I have created myself to be, but at the same time, it comes down to choices. My choice doesn't decide whether or not I'm a decent person, it just reflects my available options at the time.

I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Maybe I'll come back to this later, but I doubt it. Venting a little is enough, for now. Maybe I'll have the courage to call you or Mom (or both) later and...something, I don't know.

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