27 March 2008

Alot to think about.

I'm not sure how well this is going to flow. I'm tired (three 15 hour days in a row can do that), I'm big-dealing it too often at work, and school is becoming a bit overwhelming. I'll just write and if it's not grammatically correct or in proper MLA format (haha, I laugh at MLA format!) then whatever.

~Photovoltaics class tonight...Chris hates batteries so we skipped that section for now and went to system sizing. I can now size a grid-tied system! A stand-alone system is way more complicated...I'll learn that in time. But it was good, I learned quite a bit even though someone in the back row annoys the fuck out of me. But that's fine, I'll only have to deal with him for two more weeks. Besides, Cliff and J Lo are in class with me so it's fun. And another besides, it's solar so it automatically wins.

~Drew accidentally drilled a hole into Jay, it unzipped the skin next to his thumbnail and it was pretty gruesome. As Jay contemplated drooling, Drew told me (completely in jest) that Jay wouldn't heal because I don't love Jesus. (This goes back to a comment made by someone else beforehand...long story.) So in going back and forth, we decided that since Jay's inability to heal was my fault, so were the following: starving children, SARS, the Iraq War, abandoned puppies, global warming, the Right Wing Conspiracy, genocide, and drunk driving.

~I admitted something to someone--nothing bad--that I think I regret now. Just sometimes you get a thought in your head, and it sounds good in your head, and then you say it and uh-oh: you realise that perhaps it was best left unsaid, and now things might be weird or awkward because now that thing that should have been left unsaid is now, indeed, said, and it can't be taken back, and oh-my-God-what-the-fuck-did-I-go-and-ruin-things-that-way-for? Damn.

~It seems that as much as I've been despairing and panicking lately, I can't help but to feel guilty about it. I'm sure my unhappiness is, for the most part, valid...however I keep thinking how much worse it could be, and how much worse it's been, actually, like during the Dark Times or Before. I don't think that makes it so I'm not allowed to feel this way. I just think that maybe I'm not taking it seriously enough. Or maybe I'm taking it too seriously? I don't know. A person can only cry so often in a day, but then I remember that I'm a girl, and girls cry often at silly things. I need...something...to feel better. (Haha, yeah, that solves it.) I keep thinking that perhaps I need change; but how? I've changed so much over the past year that there's not much left.

I should meditate, dream, sleep. I need to remember Rule #1.

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