07 January 2008
No more pretending.
For months I've been going over my ideas on faith almost obsessively. I've talked to others about their beliefs, I've read books and websites and prayed over it. There's alot of worry about what any change will mean, as far as what Tannah or my family would feel about it. In a way, I know that my beliefs are for me, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...but it matters to me nonetheless. I have a bit of an abandonment issue.
So I wrote a preliminary belief statement and e-mailed it to Tannah. I was stressing out so much, thinking that divorce was on the horizon, so I figured I would get it out of the way. And yeah, so I was lame and didn't come out and say it verbally but as I said, I was afraid of rejection. I won't go into any of my beliefs here, or the details of my belief statement but it didn't go badly but...
Tannah e-mailed back that it didn't surprise him that I was just jumping onto the newest fad and he didn't truly believe that anything I wrote about was serious. He was certain that I read a few websites, took it as gospel and now I'm a "believer". That's not so. I put alot of thought into this and it makes perfect sense, it seems natural to me, it's something I can't deny. He was, for the most part, supportive in every other sense, encouraging me to pray and learn, and I'm grateful for that. He's really the only one I've told, but my research is far from over and I have so much to learn yet.