11 September 2006

5 years.

My father-in-law was kind of on me to wear an American flag today, in rememberence. (Not like I was apt to forget of course; it was a travesty. Sometimes I go out of my way to avoid really thinking about it too much.) When he suggested it I kind of smiled and nodded...I didn't feel like having to explain myself, and I didn't feel like being called un-American, either. I'm not saying the anniversary isn't a big deal, because it was....I'm not sure I'll ever be able to properly explain this.

Pride, patriotism and solidarity don't mean anything if one's told to show it. I mean, the time I felt the absolute most patriotic was July 04 1996, singing The Star-Spangled Banner to a group of Korean high schoolers with about a dozen other American student diplomats from Las Vegas. I wasn't told to feel that; it was genuine. When I do feel it, I'm quite content to feel in within myself. I don't feel obligated to parade it around, proving to others where my loyalites lie. And when Independence Day comes about, or the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbour, or of 9/11, I am no more or less patriotic than on any other day. I feel no more or less American, and my solidarity with others of this nation has not strengthened or weakened. I don't know...I guess it's my personality. It seems to me that some people (not all!) who wave flags and wear the red, white and blue and sing our national anthem the loudest seem to only do so on certain days, and it reminds me of fair-weather Christians. The ones who know all the hymns and sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus on Christmas and go to every service on Sunday but couldn't give a flying you-know during the week. I don't want to be that way. But then, I'm not really open with myself in that way, either.

So, no: I didn't put on a show for the fifth anniversary. I said a prayer, silently, but I'll keep what I prayed about to myself. And I did think about it alot, throughout the day, not just the series of events, but where I was in my life, then. Alot has changed. I guess it did for alot of people, in a sense.

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