31 August 2008

Not sure I'm where I want to be.

So, I've been thinking about my life. I'm 30 years old now. I know that, a few posts ago, I mentioned that I did even expect to live this long. However, now that I have, I feel that something's missing.

Some people tell me that in my life I've been through quite a bit for my age: I've been adopted, married, had a baby (and made funeral arrangements for him four days later), backpacked across Western Europe, went on a relief mission to Mexico, had my heart brutally ripped from my chest and crushed, travelled as a student diplomat to South Korea, been diagnosed with a potentially terminal blood disorder, discovered non-homogenised milk, escorted the First Lady of Malta to the ladies' room, graduated an apprenticeship, came to terms with my own morals, fell in love, helped translation during a Miss Universe pageant, bought a house, stayed one step ahead of a stalker, became a joint owner of Ebbsfleet United FC, found immense joy in photovoltaics, given a police statement, realised that reality is relative, caused a traffic accident, had a stroke, sang "The Star-Spangled Banner" at a high school auditorium in a foreign nation, watched a sunset and sunrise in an airplane over the ocean, experienced the advantages of studying drunk, found a spirituality I believe in, learned to trust in friends and not institutions...

I could go on. In fact I already deleted some because it started getting cumbersome.

The thing is, I've had some really awesome experiences, and incredible stories that go along with each one. I'm lucky to have shared most of the good experiences with others, and to have been able to counsel the unfortunate who have been subjected to bad experiences similar to mine...most of which, of course, remain unlisted. But as a whole, I'm not sure this is where I want to be. I'm not sure this is who I want to be. There are aspects of my life that are growing with me as I change, but aspects that are suppressed, as well. How do I change that? There will be decisions, of course; new courses of action, some regrets as well, I suppose. I wonder how important it is to actively reach for perceived happiness in life versus simply remaining passive and somewhat content.

Am I living, or existing? Things are okay; there are good and bad days. I don't take many risks. For the most part, I avoid deviations from the usual. I'm usually nervous about fighting for something I want lest I get too excited and still lose it anyway. But I'm feeling that something needs to change. Just wish I knew what it was.

1 comment:

P.L. Frederick said...

I sense the concept of "contentment" here, maybe? Perhaps it is contentment you are feeling that you are missing? Perhaps you are not content with the wonderful person you are? Sometimes we strive to be more: to change the world; to work hard to change ourselves; or change how we move or are perceived by the outside world. But the gift is perhaps for you to finally meet this person you are, to know and accept and, yes, to forgive, all parts of your self. This, to me, is Peace. And Contentment. And Home.

(For what it's worth, for me, this process of healing and remembering/knowing/learning who I really am began with meditation. Even 5-10 minutes a day. There's a type called Mindfulness Meditation that I found and still find very helpful.)