03 August 2008
For no reason.
It happens from time to time. Anyone who has read this with any regularity knows that. I tend to cycle; I hate it, I feel so idiotic. I wish I could find a way to end it. I think it stems, originally, from some sense of inadequacy. It hits me, suddenly, and I doubt myself. This inadequacy is something I can feel, physically, it crushes me, and the first thing I need is to be gone. I want to run away, leave everything I know and everything that has ever made me feel safe in order to start over.
I felt that yesterday afternoon. There was a moment of fleeting fear; then confusion, rage, and profound desperation. I'm not sure what caused it. I felt that inner wall crumbling, things coming forth, and it was so bizarre: at once I remembered in shock and then instantly forgot it entirely. I knew I should be afraid. I even got the gist of it. But I never fully got it and instead reacted with intense emotion that I couldn't explain.
That, in turn, caused that sense of inadequacy. The thoughts bombarded me, I knew I was too difficult, too passive, too untrusting, too clingy, too honest, too secretive. I felt unworthy and hopeless, and immediately I knew (no matter how illogical) that I am a detriment to everyone and everything.
I know it sounds like I'm playing attention whore drama queen, poor little victim...I'm not. I'm purposely not giving details because I don't want the questions. I'm writing it because I don't know why I do this, and it's a little scary. And when I go into work on Monday or see Tannah or talk to my family or meet for study group, I won't tell them either, even if they read this and ask if they had anything to do with it. I'm just tired of wanting to give up, and I'm tired of knowing that perhaps the only thing to stop this is to look Inside and see everything I've been hiding from for all these years.
And seriously, I think the worst part of this stupid post is how fucking melodramatic it is, even though I read through it for the specific reason of trying to make it sound as open and real as I mean it to be. I'm failing spectacularly, if you haven't noticed.