Not sure I'm where I want to be.

So, I've been thinking about my life. I'm 30 years old now. I know that, a few posts ago, I mentioned that I did even expect to live this long. However, now that I have, I feel that something's missing.

Some people tell me that in my life I've been through quite a bit for my age: I've been adopted, married, had a baby (and made funeral arrangements for him four days later), backpacked across Western Europe, went on a relief mission to Mexico, had my heart brutally ripped from my chest and crushed, travelled as a student diplomat to South Korea, been diagnosed with a potentially terminal blood disorder, discovered non-homogenised milk, escorted the First Lady of Malta to the ladies' room, graduated an apprenticeship, came to terms with my own morals, fell in love, helped translation during a Miss Universe pageant, bought a house, stayed one step ahead of a stalker, became a joint owner of Ebbsfleet United FC, found immense joy in photovoltaics, given a police statement, realised that reality is relative, caused a traffic accident, had a stroke, sang "The Star-Spangled Banner" at a high school auditorium in a foreign nation, watched a sunset and sunrise in an airplane over the ocean, experienced the advantages of studying drunk, found a spirituality I believe in, learned to trust in friends and not institutions...

I could go on. In fact I already deleted some because it started getting cumbersome.

The thing is, I've had some really awesome experiences, and incredible stories that go along with each one. I'm lucky to have shared most of the good experiences with others, and to have been able to counsel the unfortunate who have been subjected to bad experiences similar to mine...most of which, of course, remain unlisted. But as a whole, I'm not sure this is where I want to be. I'm not sure this is who I want to be. There are aspects of my life that are growing with me as I change, but aspects that are suppressed, as well. How do I change that? There will be decisions, of course; new courses of action, some regrets as well, I suppose. I wonder how important it is to actively reach for perceived happiness in life versus simply remaining passive and somewhat content.

Am I living, or existing? Things are okay; there are good and bad days. I don't take many risks. For the most part, I avoid deviations from the usual. I'm usually nervous about fighting for something I want lest I get too excited and still lose it anyway. But I'm feeling that something needs to change. Just wish I knew what it was.

Is it madness?

Please, someone explain:

America is one of the nations that recognises Kosovo as an independent state, as being now separate from Serbia. According to many different historic accounts, Kosovo tried repeatedly for sovereignty and for whatever reason it kept being denied, voted out, rescinded...remember, I'm just going for brevity here. (There's a long history.) Basically Kosovar Albanians desperately want this sucession; Serbs in the area don't. Nonetheless, Western nations demand that Kosovo's independence be recognised.

Now, Abkhazia and South Ossetia have declared independence from Georgia. I know that, at least for South Ossetia, this independence was debated at least while Georgia was still a member of the USSR. Now, it tries yet again to be recognised; Georgia destroys its capitol as retaliation for dissidence, and Russia comes in to aid an ally. Western nations do not recognise this declaration of independence and decry Russia as the "Cold War-era bully of times past".

I don't understand. What makes one people's desire for autonomy any more --or less-- valid than another's, as far as America is concerned? Is it decided by oil reserves? Whether or not the nation boasts a pro-Western government? I often wonder about such things, how money plays into how America reacts. China and North Korea have documented slave labour and rape camps: no problem. Ethiopia invades Somalia, effectively destroying any chance for the majority-Muslims to create anything other than an interim government: that's fine with us. Tamil children in Sri Lanka are denied schooling and medicine, and crimes against them go unpunished because they are an undesired minority: sure, why the hell not. Americans rarely hear anything about such issues (let alone care) because we're worried so much about the possibility of losing our posh way of life. Communism is evil, Islam is evil, illegal immigrants are evil, Grand Theft Auto is evil. Mention concern for the environment, human trafficking, war crimes, or the PATRIOT Act...well, either you're a hippie or un-American, and therefore also evil.

What the fuck people? Try to be a little more intelligent than the government wants you to be, glean you water-cooler talk from something other than CNN or FOX News or NPR...go beyond all that. Go beyond your comfort zone. No one wants to be the thought criminal, the overzealous speaker, the one stirring the shit-pot, the known protestor, the name on the Homeland Security Watchlist. But the current state of affairs isn't getting any better.

Happy birthday, Gabriel.

I know that it's really kind of futile. But in a strange way I feel like if I don't remember for others, he won't be remembered at all. Today would have been his third birthday and it's still so new to me but things have also changed quite a bit: my siblings have kids too, now, ones that are still living so...I'm not sure what I'm trying to say except that maybe I wish things had been different.

But how different? If he were still with us, he'd be a slave to his mobile ventilator, and he wasn't expected to live past kindergarten, anyway. If he'd been born healthy, would I still be here? I try to just accept things as they've happened but at the same time, it would have been nice to be preparing a birthday party right now instead of sitting up this late thinking about something that will never change. I just wish I still didn't feel at fault. The perinatologist who met with me several times and diagnosed some of my blood disorders after that difficult pregnancy told me that I'd done nothing wrong, even that staying in Europe likely helped Gabriel survive as long as he did, and that it was a hereditary thing that I simply couldn't control...especially since I didn't even know I had blood disorders at the time.

Family and friends have told me that God sent Gabriel to me in a sacrificial sense, that he was meant to die so that my blood disorders could be diagnosed; believe it or not, he death got the doctors thinking on the same page so I can see why people think that. However I'm not sure I can accept that as 100% true. Even though the specialists say Gabriel died without any pain (and I just keep holding onto that no matter what logic tells me) I don't understand how it could be his Fate from conception to die so early. It's cruel, and it's unfair.

What would have been his 1st birthday, I skipped work and school and wept violently most of the day. Last year, I had the day off from both work and school. Today, I have to go in. Firstly, because we're unusually busy. And secondly, because I can't see my contractor accepting this as a decent reason for calling in. I can hear them thinking, "Yeah, it's sad...your son died...but it's been awhile, hasn't it? Like a few years?" True. It has been awhile. It just still gets to me. I wonder if it's going to always be like this, or if it gets better, or if I'm overreacting. I mean, it's gotten better to a point but not where I feel okay. I had a 2nd year instructor (who, by the way, literally saved my life that year) who lost both his parents to a drunk driver during his apprenticeship. I asked him how long it took to get over it. He said it took 5 years for him to be okay, where the anniversary didn't set him off or where things triggered him. So, if he's the norm, I guess I have 2 more years to go.

Sigh...you know what really sucks about this? The entire post feels devoid of emotion. Like I don't care. I swear it's not like that. I'm just going to quit writing before I get to acting idiotic.

Go topless tomorrow!

For more info, visit: www.gotopless.org

Why a National GoTopless Protest day? Gotopless. org claims constitutional equality between men and women on being topless in public. Currently, women who dare to be topless in public in the US are repeatedly being arrested, fined, humiliated, criminalized. On Aug 23rd, 2008, topless women will rally in great numbers across the USA to protest this gross inequality in the law and will demand that they be granted the fundamental right to be topless where men already enjoy that right according to the 14th amendment of the Constitution (please see our exact legal argument on the right to be topfree for women under "14th amendment" in the column on the right.)

Why this protest in August? In 1970, Congress designated August 26 as Women's Equality Day "as a reminder of women's continuing efforts for equality". It is indeed on August 26, 1920, after a 72-year struggle, that the 19th Amendment to the Constitution of the U.S. was finally ratified, granting women the right to vote nationwide.

What will happen that day? Across America, topless women and men will peacefully rally in the streets, parks, on the beaches of their towns and cities. Activities will start at NOON local time in each city. Topfree performances will be given by various artists to honor Women's Equalitly Day and to convey how natural it is to be topfree for women in public just like it is for men. Please write to us if you are an artist who would like to participate in one of our shows.

"Participants in the gotopless event on August 23, 2008 are prohibited from engaging in any destructive or criminal conduct aside from the women's possible civil desobedience act of being topless in public."


Gotopless is organizing major events in--- (starting time is NOON LOCAL TIME everywhere):

LOS ANGELES: Venice Beach "Where Navy Street meets the sand" on the board walk

NEW YORK CITY: Central Park: Merchants Gate at Columbus Circle (59th Street at the corner of Central Park West and Central Park South), right by the giant Time Warner Mall

MIAMI: South Beach meeting time 12:30 PM -- 7th and Ocean Blvd across from News Cafe. Look for the topless women:))

CHICAGO Lakefront (across from Buckingham Fountain)

HAWAII: Honolulu and Hilo Big island

AUSTIN, TX: Hippie Hollow Park

BERKELEY, CA noon to 1pm Sproul Hall on the Mario Salvio famous "free speech" steps

SANTA FE, NM 1-2pm Alameda Park between Guadalupe and Sandoval

OMAHA NE "Heartland of America Park" near Downtown Omaha, Nebraska, and the parking lot is between Capitol Ave, and Douglas St. on 8th St. a link to the map is as follows. http://maps. google. com/maps?source=ig&q=41. 25859%2C-95. 926609
***(starting time is not noon but 3PM for Omaha.)***

BLOOMINGTON, IN at the sample gates on campus at Kirkwood and Indiana

DENVER: ***on Aug 26*** at the door steps of the Presidential Democratic Convention.

I can't believe it...

Today, I'm 30. Everyone says that turning 30 is the hardest of all adulthood decade changes, and that may be. The thing that amazes me is that, since I was a child, I always believed I wouldn't live to be 30. It seemed unrealistic and bizarre, something I always took as truth and something that would remain unchanged, no matter what I did. As recently as a few months ago, I still felt...not certain about it, but I felt it was a possibility that I wouldn't make it to this day.

But anyway, things as they were while growing up created this idea of impending death. Maybe it was something to look forward to, I don't know. I always felt restrained, almost enslaved in a sense, by something I can't quite articulate. I've felt as if I'm not my own person and I've never had full control of my desires, my actions, my beliefs or my decisions. I know it sounds a little strange but like it or not, it's my perceived truth.

And now, after all these years I've lived with this understanding, I find out that I actually cheated this aspect of Fate. It very well may change my worldview on several things. Will be interesting to follow.

Today was a joke.

Immediately upon coming in to work I was told I had to go up and build a structural support so I can strap an MC cable that someone else ran yesterday. All yesterday I'd been going between all these floors to build supports, restrap, reroute, stablise, whatever, everything having to do with the major conduit run that goes up several floors. It's to the point that we had to check every screw in every coupling because some weren't even hand-tight. Plus, I've had to do this without some of the proper tools or material. I was fortunate to have an apprentice with me for nearly all of Monday, however. So anyway, even though building the support was simple, I was so completely pissed off that it wasn't done to begin with. Quite clearly, the NEC (National Electrical Code) states how far apart cable and pipe must be strapped. In fact that info is pretty well drilled into even 1st year apprentices' heads. And it's not as if the strap was off by inches...if it'd been strapped at 6'3" rather than 6', then whatever. Might be able to fudge it a little. But 14'?? Ridiculous.

Shortly after that I got back to my demo work...I have to remove all the conduit on a particular floor. Rumour is, we didn't get the contract for that area but I really don't know. I just know it all comes down. Perhaps an hour after break, my foreman calls me on my phone, thisclose to screaming that the inspector is up on one of the upper floors and he found loose screws in the coupling so I better get my ass up there right now. Which I did, and it's what caused my next issue.

As I contemplated running up several flights of stairs I saw the manlift come up to my floor and stop. I waited as patiently as I could while carts and boxes were loaded into the lift, then the operator asked if anyone else was going up. I answered yes. He asked again. I answered louder. He started closing his gate when I yelled out, right in front of him, "Hey! Going up!" He yelled back at me "Well where the hell do you think you're gonna stand?" I pointed out the expanse of empty space right next to him, then he rolled his eyes and closed the gate, going up. I turned and cursed (somewhat loudly) in my frustration. He stopped and started coming back down, screaming at me. I really didn't care, I was halfway up my first flight of stairs. When I got up to the proper floor, I saw Papa G--my general foreman--talking with the inspector. Papa G looked at me and told me it had already been taken care of but "when I say check every screw, that means fucking check every goddamn screw". Ouch.

I headed back down to talk to Jay, my foreman. He told me this is my first real taste of being a journeyman: something goes wrong, he gets his ass reamed by Papa G, then Jay reams my ass. I don't get to ream anyone's ass. It's never the apprentice's fault so long as it's not on purpose or maliciously done. And really I don't know who missed a screw but it was missed nonetheless, and as a journeyman, it's my fault no matter what. Damn.

Then, on top of all that, someone kept unplugging my scissorlift so its pretty much dead, and they weren't even unplugging it to use my cord, they were unplugging it and leaving the cord nicely coiled next to it. Assholes.

At very least, today is my third wedding anniversary and Tannah made reservations at Panevino. Neither of us have been there but he heard it was really nice, a restaurant and lounge and supposedly they're known for their wine. Actually, I should start getting ready so I'm not rushed later. My hope is that this night will totally make up for the hellacious day I had today.

Random.

Completely disjointed, try to keep up. I'm tired and trying hard not to nap since I know if I do, I'll never get to sleep tonight.

I downloaded Frotz on my iPhone. T'was free, and even though it has close to 2 dozen interactive text-based fiction games embedded within it, I got it for one reason: Zork. I discovered that game when I was 12 or so and it was something I'd never encountered before. Keeps the imagination fresh. Note: if you download this yourself, try the silly commands; I suggest "take troll" or "talk to thief". Even "eat jewel-encrusted egg". Yeah, I know. I said they were silly.

I took a trip to Whole Foods today and found so many awesome items! A braid of sweetgrass, custom-cut handmade natural soaps, a pineapple-cilantro candle, organic wasabi ramen, beurre d'Isigny (AOC), cactus jerky, and finally: milk from Straus Family Creamery! I'd been looking for non-homogenised milk for years now, since we'd been in Europe and discovered it's superiority. I have high hopes for it!

I'd like to say a few things about Dina Titus, as I mentioned her in my last post, and in an earlier post a few years ago. After serving in Nevada's state senate (and after teaching political science for 30 years) she's now the Democratic nominee for Congress as a US Representative, 3rd District. I'll be honest that I don't know alot about her or her political views, but when she showed up to Crinis last night, she actually took time out to talk to me and others. It wasn't a "vote for me" spiel at all, but just an enthusiasm for Nevada's role in the photovoltaics arena. She seemed genuinely content to be there, and of course I'm bound to hear by others that she was just playing her part to win votes but if she was, she was doing a damn good job of hiding it. Besides, I'll attest to the fact that her stance on renewables is far clearer than her opponent in the race for Congress, incumbent Jon Porter. I once got an email from him about it and aside from contradicting himself the entire time, most of it was so muddled it was incoherent. But that's another story.

An ode to titanium-toe work boots: I forgot to post this last week, but right before break one morning my foreman and I were moving a pallet of basket-style cable tray from the forklift's drop-off point to our work area. There was a short ramp we had to guide the pallet onto, not too steep, but it was rather narrow so it was slow going for us. At one point, the ramp caved in; as I mentioned, it wasn't steep but I had been standing to the side of the load to help guide it and when the ramp collapsed, an edge of the pallet landed squarely on my foot. There was no pain but a distinct pressure and I couldn't remove my foot at all from underneath it until the load was lifted. I'd never really been in that situation to where I required that protection from work boots, but I'm certainly glad I had it when I needed it.

Yeah, I guess that's it...there are some other things, like what I learned about the Rroma or literally feeling energy in the circle or how I'm going to be 30 years old on Thursday or the many different peoples of Georgia or the lovely new scarf that Janeen got me from France...however perhaps instead I should give blogging a rest for today, and ponder a more light-hearted post in the next few days.

Crinis 2008.

I'm warning you guys now, this will be kinda long. I suggest getting a sandwich and a glass of chocolate milk before proceeding.

Tonight was the 2nd annual Nevada Renewable Energy Leadership Award Banquet, otherwise known as Crinis, or "rays of sunlight". Aptly named for an event hosted by Solar NV, I think. Anyway, I did go, though I was incredibly nervous, and I didn't even have to slam shots to feel at ease.

I showed up early to help out a little, then was introduced by Deidre to Cili's house riesling..it was delicious and sadly I didn't catch the name. That's not the point, really, but after paying $9 for that I stood back, as most everything was ready. The items for the silent auction were really excellent: a certificate for skydiving, a mounted and framed American flag donated by Senator Harry Reid (D-NV), a NASCAR ride-along, a Capitol Building keepsake box, two really nice restaurant comps, a gift basket from Trader Joe's and another from Whole Foods, and the one that I knew I must own: a matted and framed print of Nellis Air Force Base, with the solar panels and jets on a fly-by both visible. I was only barely able to keep calm. Julia (who I'd just met at the bar as we both ordered wine) came up with a fantastic strategy: if we don't bid at first, and stay away then no one will notice what a big deal it is, and we'll likely win. I decided that was a pretty awesome way to go; I set my sight on the print, she had hers set on the Whole Foods basket.

We talked for some time as the hors d'oeuvres made their rounds. Remembering how alcohol turns me into someone not always appropriate, I merely sipped on the riesling, and declined any food at the moment. But that was fine, I got a chance to meet with others and talk a bit; plus, Julia and I had picked strategic seating to allow us to see most of the guests and also who was hovering near our items. At one point, several of us were joking about sniping or otherwise turning the auction to our favour, and as one man leaned over to look at the Nellis AFB print, I mentioned that I had no problem taking out whoever won that item and running, with or without my heels on. He laughed (luckily, because as soon as I said it I realised that it was likely not the nicest thing to say) and soon thereafter we were asked to find our seats.

Then came the speeches: I have atrocious hearing so I missed most of what was going on, but Congress-hopeful Dina Titus (D-NV), made a short speech, followed by Solar NV's president, Allison. I know several people were recognised because a few stood up but as I said, I didn't quite hear why. Steve was presented with an award as well; I know he was Solar NV's president last year so I'm wondering if it was due to that. After all, he's been with Solar NV since the beginning from what I understand, and has a plethora of proper contacts with media and other green and/or renewable-friendly organisations. What really freaked me out, though, was the guest of honour...when Dr. Robert Boehm stood up and made an acceptance speech for his award, I realised he was the one I made the comment to. You know, about taking out whoever won the print I'd been eyeballing. I can only seriously hope he knew I was kidding.

I WAS KIDDING, DR. BOEHM!

And then speeches were over. Salads came, people talked about everything, mostly renewable energy but we met a Bulgarian girl who was intensely interesting and we spoke of international politics for a bit, which was refreshing. Between courses, Julia and I checked on our bids, hoping to look inconspicuous. And yes, I was still only sipping the wine, which I intended to finish by the main course: yummy chunk of cow, risotto, and asparagus...mmm! Before the crème brûlée arrived I wanted to freshen up as my hair was wanting very much to be swallowed, so off I went (pausing momentarily to check bids of course) and on my way back to the table something possessed Snow to call out to me from across the room to meet everyone at the G&G table. Some I had met before, others I hadn't, but I shook hands when appropriate and kept my answers short and concise. As far as I know, I won't be getting that paycheck on Monday, as I bid them good evening at the first available moment that wasn't rude to do so.

In the middle of enjoying my crème brûlée, an announcement was made that bidding for the items in the silent auction would be closed at 21h00. I set my iPhone's alarm to 20h57 and then Julia and I hovered over our items from a short distance away. The alarm went off, I made my bid, and was pretty confident...then another bid came in right at 21h00, even as I looked at the time on my phone it said 21h01, so I was all depressive (in a really nice, proper manner) and the other party conceded...but seemed pretty upset...which made me feel bad...it was odd. I'm not even detailing it because I think somehow it's more complicated than I feel like typing out. At any rate, I paid through Paypal on the spot and was able to take the print home with me...and I would post an image of it here except that I'm seriously exhausted, this entry is long enough as it is, and it'll give me something to write about next time. :)

Busy week...mostly PV related.

I was pretty ill the past two months, just drained and worn out from my unreasonably busy schedule the entire second semester of my last year in the apprenticeship. Because of that, even though I had no classes and only had the PV study group, I was pretty useless as far as most things go. I got up to go to work, and I did fine there, but after work I was a zombie, missing out on everything else. I missed two Solar NV meetings in that time, so to make it up I kinda went overboard this week.

Yesterday was the Green Business Mixer & Expo at the Springs Preserve. Since it was geared toward men and women in the business of renewables, I actually kinda dressed up beyond my frayed jeans and t-shirt that I'm using seen wearing. I didn't get crazy with it but I was looking girly and even somewhat fashionable. The entire event was held in the Ori-Gen room, and was smaller than I expected. Perhaps 15 booths presented, including Solar NV, and all had handouts and business cards and other little goodies, like CFLs and such. Costco presented and brought cookies! They suckered me into renewing my membership by reminding me how awesome Free Sample Sundays are. I'm so enamored with Sunflower and Whole Foods though that I think I'll reserve Costco for household items and preparation for massive family gatherings. I also wandered out to the farmer's market and found Ragen at a small table selling her prints. This is a girl I'd graduated from LVA with 12 years ago. (I know...depressing, isn't it?) I was really happy to see she hadn't given up her art...I swear, she has amazing talent. I bought a signed card but I think I'm going to look and see if I can get something a little bigger, and have it framed.

But I digress...back to the expo: I saw a few from Bombard Renewables, I saw Buntjer from the JATC, Snow was there, it was pretty cool. Everyone was happy about my license, and I got all the info for what I'm going to be doing Saturday night. That's right: if the best thing you have planned for a Saturday night is a solar shindig, there might be a problem. :)

No, really it's a renewable energy leadership awards banquet and fundraiser, with hors d’oeuvres and silent auction. It's going to be at this seriously posh golf course right off the Las Vegas Strip and my ticket cost almost $100 (so the dinner better be something to remember) and its semi-formal, which is not a happy thing. I'm socially inept and having to dress up isn't joyful because I'm certain I'll make an ass out of myself. But, I have a really nice dress, comfortable and not overdone, still have to get shoes & a purse, that'll be an adventure, but I think I'll be okay. The only thing I really worry about is the drinks...there will be alcohol and I like to have the occasional drink--ahem--with my fellow electricians and solar fiends but the owners of both my contractor and Bombard Renewables will be there, so if I drink more than one (or maybe even more than a half) I might get happy and friendly and wind up doing something idiotic that will guarantee a final paycheck on Monday. So let's hope otherwise!

Stoked!

So I've been studying off and on for my state of Nevada photovoltaic installer license. I knew I had to take the exam sometime before September but after all the unyielding bullshit from the first 6 months of the year trying to graduate from my apprenticeship, I was simply worn out. It's a physical and mental thing, really, being drained like this, its not sheer laziness.

As August came upon me I realised I didn't have much time. Then recently I found that its actually criminal to install or maintain a photovoltaic system without a license, and I got so nervous and freaked out I couldn't sleep. Literally. I spent hours upon hours scouring all my PV textbooks and making hundreds of flashcards: definitions, formulas, installation tips and tricks, review information...I think I actually got nearly 350 flashcards made and I was so overwhelmed I began so get pretty depressed over it. I found OSHA's number in Vegas and gave a call to schedule my exam. That was Friday, nearly 17h00, so I got the voicemail but I left a message anyway.

I spoke to Vicki yesterday and she told me I could take the exam as a walk-in. I told her I'd be in sometime in the next week, then I got the brilliant idea that if I took it, and failed, I'd be able to get a better idea of what I need to study. After making certain there wasn't a waiting time between failing a test and retaking it, I decided to go in yesterday after work.

It was explained to me that the exam took, on average, about an hour or so. I received my exam, the instructions, a pencil, and was left alone. I knew about 75% of the exam with no issue and that took me about ten minutes. The final 15 or so questions got me nervous: some I knew I had read about, some were just oddly worded, some I hadn't come across at all. I worked another 10 minutes and then buzzed the intercom, letting them know I was finished. I figured it was okay if I failed since I knew what I had to work on as far as studying went.

It was graded, and I passed. I was shocked and elated at the same time. I paid $25 for my license and waited while it was printed for me on the spot, all the while completely amazed. It was deceptively simple...which worries me, a bit: Nevada Revised Statutes don't require a licensed PV installer to be an electrician. In fact, of the 50 exam questions, only 3 were based on the National Electrical Code. A roofer could take this exam and be licensed. I swear I'm not being biased because I'm an electrician and I want that work. I just worry for all the electrical knowledge and formulas necessary to install an array correctly. Simple things like knowing a module has a potential for voltage the moment sunlight hits it, whether or not it's connected to anything else, may not occur to those in other trades. To me, it's a safety issue.

Nonetheless, I walked into the office on 2.5 today and handed my PV installer's license and my Clark County journeyman license over to be copied and faxed to the main office. Everyone was a little surprised; I hadn't told anyone I was taking the exam since honestly, I had expected to fail it. But they seemed happy for me at least, in a professional way. Now I'm just waiting for those solar jobs to begin.

Anytime now...

Yeah, I got over it.

I profusely apologise for my idiotic pity party I last posted. I think it was somewhat hormonal.

Lots have been going on. In an attempt to raise our home's property value, we got it painted and landscaped (or, I should say "xeriscaped") and we ordered some rolling shutters. The guest bathroom is almost 100% remodeled and the master is next. Some new inside doors and maybe new blinds and that'll be all we can do for now. I keep hearing from everyone that it's well worth it; I sincerely hope it is.

I've been revising and updating prints again for the past few days and that should bring the crews up to speed...for now. The ASIs (changes) are so often it's ridiculous. We're getting a new ASI set about every 2 weeks. Plus, they're being released in a bizarre manner and being that I'm not in a supervisory position, I don't understand the whys behind it but for instance: we got ASI 38, 41, 39, 40, 42, a partial 44, and 43. All that since mid-June. Pages are missing, the indices are incorrectly labelled, some prints are duplicated and some are just so fucked...one page for Sky Lobby is printed twice, but something completely different printed on each. One is a single-line drawing and another is an enlarged electrical room. What the fuck yo. (In case anyone's wondering, I kept both in...just in case.)

Tannah's grandmother in Ohio died Tuesday. It was somewhat expected (she was very ill) but it happened way quicker than anyone could have guessed. She was given about 2 weeks and she died the next day. He's in Ohio now, attending the service and doing family things with his father and others. I only met her once, during Thanksgiving 2006 when Tannah, his brother and I all went out there. Glad I met her, but sad she's gone and that was about all the chance I'll have.

In the meantime I've caught a mild summer cold. It sucks.

We're getting more solar work; the array for the casino is back online, and we got the approval to put solar up on our contractor's main office now. I'm told I'll be really busy in PV coming up, which is great, I love renewables...but I found out one tiny little thing that has me in a panic: according to Nevada Revised Statute (NRS) 618.936, anyone found installing or maintaining a photovoltaic system on anything other than what one owns and occupies as a residence shall be guilty of a misdemeanor if not licensed by the Nevada Division of Industrial Relations to do so. I know these PV jobs are coming up quick; there's only one person with our company that's currently got any licensing, and he's leaving in a few weeks for Europe; meaning that I'll need to have mine by then. Did I mention that I'm panicking?

On top of all that, I also have a class going on for the next 13-16 weeks, on Wednesdays, that will help me relax, stay grounded, and possibly even let me keep what sanity I've got left. Here's to hoping. :)

For no reason.

It happens from time to time. Anyone who has read this with any regularity knows that. I tend to cycle; I hate it, I feel so idiotic. I wish I could find a way to end it. I think it stems, originally, from some sense of inadequacy. It hits me, suddenly, and I doubt myself. This inadequacy is something I can feel, physically, it crushes me, and the first thing I need is to be gone. I want to run away, leave everything I know and everything that has ever made me feel safe in order to start over.

I felt that yesterday afternoon. There was a moment of fleeting fear; then confusion, rage, and profound desperation. I'm not sure what caused it. I felt that inner wall crumbling, things coming forth, and it was so bizarre: at once I remembered in shock and then instantly forgot it entirely. I knew I should be afraid. I even got the gist of it. But I never fully got it and instead reacted with intense emotion that I couldn't explain.

That, in turn, caused that sense of inadequacy. The thoughts bombarded me, I knew I was too difficult, too passive, too untrusting, too clingy, too honest, too secretive. I felt unworthy and hopeless, and immediately I knew (no matter how illogical) that I am a detriment to everyone and everything.

I know it sounds like I'm playing attention whore drama queen, poor little victim...I'm not. I'm purposely not giving details because I don't want the questions. I'm writing it because I don't know why I do this, and it's a little scary. And when I go into work on Monday or see Tannah or talk to my family or meet for study group, I won't tell them either, even if they read this and ask if they had anything to do with it. I'm just tired of wanting to give up, and I'm tired of knowing that perhaps the only thing to stop this is to look Inside and see everything I've been hiding from for all these years.

And seriously, I think the worst part of this stupid post is how fucking melodramatic it is, even though I read through it for the specific reason of trying to make it sound as open and real as I mean it to be. I'm failing spectacularly, if you haven't noticed.

A special night.

Blessed Lammas!

My good friend Ayla explained to me an excellent way to understand this harvest celebration. I feel it's even more powerful now because of today's total solar eclipse.

Ayla explained how the seeds that she's planted over the past year have come to fruition, and what she has reaped. I thought about it, and suddenly it makes so much sense. This is a holiday for reflection, so I also thought about the seeds I planted over this past year, and what I'll be harvesting.

I planted the seed of exploring my faith, and now I'm harvesting both joy in that and also trepidation; not all accept faiths different than their own.

I planted the seed of furthering my interest in photovoltaics, and after my first ASES convention, now I'm gearing up to take my state certification exam so that I might be of some help to my contractor as we start some of the new solar projects we bid on (and won!).

I planted the seed of health, in trying to eat more local, organic foods; in trying to heal myself with homeopathy and natural remedies; in trying to calm myself with meditation and aromatherapy. I'm not perfect, but I've come very far in wanting to cleanse my body and mind of unnecessary toxins.

It may not seem like a huge life-altering set of changes, but I'm glad to have been able to reflect on such things.