30 April 2006

Craptacular everything

Firstly, this half of the rant is not so bad. I'm irked more than anything else. What's got me is our new work schedule. We don't start until 08h00 because of the guests sleeping in the hotel, but we have to work 10 hours daily. Aside from it being just...not fun...it doesn't mesh well with my medicinal regimen. I take a preventative anti-coagulant and I simply can't take it any later than 17h30 or 18h00 nightly, or else I won't wake up on time the next morning. (It puts me in a zombie state.) However, I can't take it at work, because it makes me listless and pretty stupid: unable to focus, forgetful, things of that nature. I already don't take it on school nights but we're working 7 days a week (again!!) and so I'm not sure how long I can go without it, really, on a daily basis like that. So either I quit taking it or I can't work the overtime. They can't fire me for not working it, but they can lay me off, and I like what I do and who I'm working with. It's not a good situation, but I can't ignore the new onset of chest pains, either.

That, and we were planning to move this weekend. We close on the house Tuesday, and we are getting mostly packed up, but no one can help Tannah move this weekend, and so instead he's going to spend the extra time getting the yard taken care of and sealing the garage, stuff like that. Well, since I thought we were going to be completely in this weekend, I packed up Gabriel and all his things. I know that sounds awful....I feel awful. I just didn't want his urn broken or anything, his photos and all that. I feel like I somehow abandoned him.

On a similar note, Mother's Day will be difficult this year. I'm not sure what I'll do about that yet. My mom will want me to come over, and I suppose I will, but I'm not sure how I'll manage. I used to never care about Mother's Day before. I never expected to have children; I didn't even want children. Of course, now with teh trauma associated with his death, I'm not sure I can bring myself to actively pursue being a parent again. Knowing the risks now scare the hell out of me. Warfarin or not, there's still a chance, and I'm not sure I'm willing to take the risk.

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