18 August 2007

Feeling disconnected.

I was vaguely reminded of something on Thursday. No one's fault. It just happened, and I hate it, that I'm so easily thrown off balance. I'm afraid I'll be "found out", that I can't pull off the act as well as I once could. Granted, I wasn't pulling it off at all a few years ago but I've gotten better, life is easier that way, when it can be tucked away and forgotten.

So anyway. Disconnected. I'm lucky that I've got so much going on, and I don't have time to think on it all. My own weakness disgusts me. But at the same time, when it comes to days like these, I'm similarly disgusted by the mask I wear, faking my way through life with the plastic smile I'd learned as a kid, before I knew the purpose of it.

It's been worse, though, in all honesty. I have to remember what Mada calls "the Dark Times" and come away from that. And I wonder how necessary it is, really, to let people in and tell them all the things that no one needs to hear, or wants to hear, just for the sake of me not having to pretend. Although, in reality it's always easier to pretend, friendships run smoother that way, even if they aren't closer. What's more important?