Thoughts.

I've been a little numb as far as Gabriel's birthday, it'll get more difficult as it gets closer I'm sure. I'm putting off my birthday till October I think, just the first month of school will be hellacious. Besides I've actually been doing my birthday in October for the past few years anyway. I don't know. My birthday doesn't seem like it means much, really. With all the shit that crops up at the end of August I honestly can't add anything more. Hope it lets up soon.

My friend Snow has been helping me with Code. I thought I was pretty good at it but I'm finding out through him that I'm not really good at all...there's so much I dont know, and so many tricky things that are hard to find. I'm lucky Tannah isn't jealous with him helping me. And for that matter, I'm glad Snow isn't a pervert.

As for Logan, I kinda talked to him. He's not real talkative back. I'm not sure if something's bothering him or what, he seems to have pulled away from everyone. He watches still, and he said he's trying to teach me how to be self-reliant. I asked if that meant he was leaving, and he said no. That makes me feel better, but he seems to really have dropped everything.

And ah...wedding anniversary tomorrow. We're going to Yolie's! It's a Brazilian grille, and they bring around these swords with massive chunks of meat on them, like lamb and filet mignon and such...MMMM MEAT! OM NOM NOM NOM...

Feeling disconnected.

I was vaguely reminded of something on Thursday. No one's fault. It just happened, and I hate it, that I'm so easily thrown off balance. I'm afraid I'll be "found out", that I can't pull off the act as well as I once could. Granted, I wasn't pulling it off at all a few years ago but I've gotten better, life is easier that way, when it can be tucked away and forgotten.

So anyway. Disconnected. I'm lucky that I've got so much going on, and I don't have time to think on it all. My own weakness disgusts me. But at the same time, when it comes to days like these, I'm similarly disgusted by the mask I wear, faking my way through life with the plastic smile I'd learned as a kid, before I knew the purpose of it.

It's been worse, though, in all honesty. I have to remember what Mada calls "the Dark Times" and come away from that. And I wonder how necessary it is, really, to let people in and tell them all the things that no one needs to hear, or wants to hear, just for the sake of me not having to pretend. Although, in reality it's always easier to pretend, friendships run smoother that way, even if they aren't closer. What's more important?

Procedure went well...

And I pissed off the nurse by reading my chart! (Well really, she shouldn't have left me alone with it for half an hour.) I'll get into all of that.

So I arrived at 06h00, which was nothing since I'm usually at work by that time but it was hard for Tannah. Since I'd pre-admitted, I was sent to a room where I basically got naked and put on one of those little hospital gowns that fit everyone but short people and since everything was basically ready, they just left me there for over a half-hour, me and my chart. Not one to let an opportunity go to waste, I read everything I could.

First, I found out that the dumb bitch that sent my contractor my medical information had written that I was currently taking Klonopin for a suicide attempt. Which was completely untrue and I have no idea where she got that. But more interesting was the fact that I saw the results of my bubble test that Dr. Selco did. What a bubble test is, basically, is an ultrasound of both your temples. Then you're asked to bear down while saline bubbles are forced into your heart, and as you breathe again they follow where the bubbles go. The bubbles mimic little blood clots, and it's one of the ways that patent foramen ovales are diagnosed. When they did this (twice, actually) you could hear all the saline bubbles, proving the PFO. But what I found out from my chart is that I had six microemboli that were caught by the doppler before the saline was even injected. Both creepy and kind of cool at the same time.

So in the room, before they knocked me out, the anesthesiologist and the cardiologist and some surgery techs were talking about my piercings and tattoo and all, and they asked what my tattoo meant. So I started talking about photovoltaics and all and I saw the syringe go into my IV port, and I started getting seriously drowsy, and apparently right before I blacked out I told them how sexy PV is and how they should get it. That's really more embarassing than I'm even able to relate, but I guess I could have said worse.

I was out for about an hour, the doc talked to Tannah a little and will talk to me more in-depth on the 24th, but basically they did see the PFO and saw discolouration from the leakage of blood from my heart, but it's not lethal and exactly what they were expecting to see. Apparently they tried to recreate the results from the bubble test, but since I was out cold they did chest and abdomen compressions but it wasn't working. (It explains why my whole body feels like it's been pummelled.) All's good though, they have positive confirmation. I really hope I get to keep some photos.

Thanks Drew!

Even though I'm overjoyed that he brought in last year's books for me, I still hate homework with a passion, and I'm going to procrastinate, I just know it. I'm so thrilled this is my last year.

Stuff.

I haven't had alot of time at all lately. So I'm doing a quick update, real informal-like:

01. I'm have a procedure in a near future, a transesophageal echo. It's basically an ultrasound of my heart but it's done from inside my throat. Pretty nifty. Basically risk free; it's to see if my PFO is big enough to need to be patched, and if there are any other issues about all that. I'll have to get plastic body jewelry though...a possibly unnecessary expense but it's better than being told to take them out.
02. I made a MySpace site for Solar NV. I know; I'm a geek.
03. Wedding anniversary, my birthday, and Gabriel's birthday all coming up real quick. School starting in that week too. It's seriously the most hectic time of year. I'm so happy my parents started the tradition of doing my birthday in October. It's so laidback then. I love it.
04. I got to go check out the massive hole that will one day be the condo tower, very cool. I'll get to run 6-inch rigid, how badass is that? Can't wait to buckle myself into a safety harness, slither up around existing conduit like a monkey and start drilling into pandeck. That'll put excitment in my day!
05. I have to really get on my code study, and NABCEP study too...I'm slipping. Laziness? Who knows. But I'm not where I should be. I get random pop-quizzes about NEC stuff I should know and I fail pretty spectacularly.

Um...that's it. Yeah. Just incredibly busy and tired and stuff. But happy with life altogether.

Another rant-y post.

I'm sure you're all as tired of reading this as I am of writing it, but it's annoyed my last friendly nerve. It's just that, y'know, the PATRIOT Act was good. PATRIOT Act 2 (the DSEA, or Domestic Security Enhancement Act of 2003) was joyful. It keeps getting better! We're coming closer and closer to George Orwell's 1984...I love Big Brother!

So basically, the federal government had decided that "for our safety" all those living in the United States have to start carrying special driver's licenses featuring barcodes that held information about us that was logged into a national database. This could include anything, really, that the PATRIOT Act or DSEA deemed necessary. Well, several states decided it was unconstitutional or for whatever reason, passed legislation that specifically forbade these special licenses to be issued. Therefore, the Ministry of Homeland Security decided that anyone not in compliance by 2010 would need a passport to enter a federal building, visit a national park, or travel domestically.

Where is the uproar? Oh yeah: protesting is un-American.

Sean Penn's visit to Venezuela.

I hear a lot about how so many believe he should be tried as a traitor or that he shouldn't be allowed readmission to the United States for visiting Hugo Chavez, a well-known opposer of American policy. That's a load of bullshit. I'm so sick of fools, blinded by nationalism, doing anything to avoid being labeled an anti-American, afraid of the PATRIOT Act but still endorse it because they think it will somehow keep them safe.

I can't say how I feel about Chavez. I haven't met him, I haven't been to Venezuela, I know little about anything in that sense. But America is used to be a nation known for her freedoms. I love how so-called patriots spin that:

Freedom of speech, so long as it's in my language and I agree with it;
Freedom to bear arms so long as they are mine or belonging to law enforcement;
Freedom of religion so long as it's worshipping my God and encompassing my morals;
Freedom of press so long as it's not offensive to me or against my beliefs...

And on and on and on. I'm about sick of it.

Arcade machine conundrum.

So, a few years ago I bought an arcade machine called Kick from Shawn at Game Repair. My first, and only arcade machine at this point. It's classic and it's the only one I ever wanted except Egg-stravaganza...but Shawn said he'd buy it back for what I paid for it, and not only could I use the extra cash but I hardly ever play it, so he'd get more out of it than me...

So, should I sell it?