21 June 2008
I had a rather relaxing weekend. Meditated and read and slept much, trying to naturally heal my body of this cold I've had for about 3 weeks now. Tannah was in San Diego with his brother watching the Indians-Dodgers game (Indians, 7-2) and so I had some much needed time to myself. I also attended the solstice celebration at the local UU church and it was incredibly refreshing. Saw one of Tannah's friends there with his sister and although he was really only there to observe, it was great to see him.
Then, late tonight, a disagreement.
I don't understand why if a person doesn't look ill, then they are perceived as lazy or without motivation and ambition. I come across it nearly daily; I have a potentially terminal illness as far as my blood disorder and have some permanent loss of brain function due to several TIAs and a stroke. Included in that is permanent loss of vision in one eye and some lingering numbness in my fingers. But I appear fine. I laugh and run about and live life as I am able. My blood disorder is also an immune disorder and I can go upwards of a month with flu-like symptoms, and learning to live with that is much different than "being okay". Yes, sometimes I need more sleep than others in order to recuperate. Yes, sometimes I don't feel like going out or being sociable or committing just two hours to a given activity because I'm so exhausted or feeling unwell I'm not certain I can make it through. I'm not lazy. Please don't think I'm not trying. My inability to understand directions at times doesn't mean that I'm not paying attention. This is all out of my control. I know people hate the validation shit and I'm not trying to whine but seriously, it's hard enough to live like this and hear that kind of judgmental attitude as well...even if you don't think it's judgmental.