01 June 2008
First off, Ayla I think one of your sons got ahold of your cell phone, haha. I got a phone call this morning with lots of singing, I think. Was adorable. :)
I've been thinking about trust, lately. More specifically, when giving trust is appropriate, to whom, and in what degree. I mean of course there are different levels of trust; for the most part, the trust a child has for a parent (even if undeserved) is stronger and deeper than the trust an employee might have for his payroll department. I know there are appropriate and inappropriate kinds of trust. I know there are situations that trust is mandatory, as in a life-threatening situation.
But I'm looking back, years ago, to how my misguided trust has affected me. I chose the wrong times, the wrong people, the wrong type of trust. I wonder how much of it has to do with my upbringing. There are certain aspects of one's childhood that affect adulthood, and I've always found it difficult to trust properly. I could go on and on about bullshit that would help to possibly explain but something are best never said. But I do wonder sometimes, if all I learned then--the maladaptive coping mechanisms, the lack of impulse control, the ability to speak while saying nothing--were of any value at all, or if they hindered me. If perhaps it still hinders me.
I feel so fucked up. I need cardamom tea and some burning sage. And calming oil.