10 May 2007


Interesting day. Hell, interesting month.

I'm not sure where I stand on many things right now. (This is going to ramble on a bit so feel free to skip to the end. There's your warning.)

I hate when I can't read people. I've found I'm the worst judge in character and I tend to gravitate toward unrealistic extremes: either I trust too much, or not enough, and I always seem to place the wrong trust in the wrong ones. I've been looking over my history on that for a week or so at least, now; this, after learning that some keep their dark sides more hidden than others. (Yeah, I'm guilty of it, too. But that doesn't keep me from hesitating now.) The completely psychotic part is the fact that I see this, I know it, and yet I don't stop or change it.

Wanting very much to stop seeing my docs again. I'm one of the awful patients that docs hate: when i start feeling better, I kind of stop taking meds and showing up to appointments. Granted, Coumadin is a long-term (if not permenant) medication, so I won't quit that, but my INR is more or less stable and so I want to put it to the back of my mind. Having it all constantly at the forefront, it's frustrating and overwhelming and I really did like that 4-month stint when I didn't see any of them. For all you exceedingly healthy people out there, I assure you that it was awesome, and not something to be taken lightly.
Mother's Day on Sunday. Not even going to get into that really. I'm half-hoping to come down with a 24-hour pneumonia just to avoid it. But really, that's not healthy, or decent, or cool. Yes, Denial and I are in a long-term relationship. And then work, and school, and exams, and new skills, and life on top of that. I'm not saying life is shit right now. I'm not even saying I'm stretched to my limit because honestly, I'm not. There's just alot going on right now, I guess.

"Aujourd'hui j'ai trop d'amis"...mais c'est ne change rien, et je suis encore seule.

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