It's been 6 months...

It seems like it's been a lot longer, actually. Our Gabriel Taeyang was born six months ago today. He also died that day. Even though he was with us for such a short amount of time I think about him every day. And it's unbelievable now, how I even got through the days after he was gone. It's all a blur: being released from the hospital, starting my third year of school, identifying his body, going back to work, attending his funeral...all within a week. People tell me they wouldn't have been able to do it, they don't know how I'm even sane right now. But sometimes you just have to, there's no choice. You deal with the repercussions later. How do soldiers deal with war? Much in the same way, from what I'm told. You look back to your training, and we've all been trained in one way or another: through life experience or through the experiences of others.

What was I going to do, shut down? I could have...God, it was tempting. I'll be truthful, I don't remember all that much from those days, perhaps that first month afterwards. I remember reading all I could on thrombophilia--the reason Gabriel was born so prematurely--trying to understand. Wondering how no one caught it earlier, given that I've had miscarriages before.

But yes...it's been six months. I've learned alot, and I've definitely grown alot. There's a new level of maturity, I guess, that's gained with the loss of a child. I really wish I could have gained it some other way. But God's been a defining support for me, and I've been blessed with family and friends who support me to, and who are equally supportive of Tannah. It just seems that sometimes, the fathers are left to grieve on their own and I'm glad it's not the case with us.