First day of class.

I mean annual, apprenticeship class. I've been taking mandatory extracurricular classes all summer.

So, my instructor is Javier, the same one I worked with at Red Rock right before the grand opening. He's laid back and I've heard from his former students that he's pretty thorough. Ryan and Cliff are in my class, who I get on well with, plus Paul from my crew and CJ, who was in my class 2nd year and who was on the same crew with me when Les was my foreman. Also Hawk, who I worked with for awhile. Honestly, though, they integrated an extra class in this year so many of these people I've never met. But it's okay...no one really wants to be there 5 hours every Wednesday night, so we all do what we can to make things interesting.

Since this is the first year the school has done 5 hours a night for class, everyone's running into problems. For most classes, it's just a matter of how many breaks should be allowed and how exactly to stretch the study material over that amount of time. However, the 5th year classes are seriously having issues...they might not graduate on time. It's a requirement they spend 25% of their total class time at the monthly union meeting, plus they have to fit in F-card training and foreman classes, plus their regular course material, plus review for the JATC wireman exam and the Clark County journeyman exam...there simply isn't enough time. So they might have to go extra days a week. That's common for 1st year classes (it's hard to grasp basic aspects of Ohm's Law and such if you've never done it) but 5th year...that's supposed to be the easy, laid-back year. So I feel a little apprehensive, actually. Hopefully they'll straighten things out by the time I finish this year, and my 5th year will be what everyone says it's supposed to be.

Una verdad madreada.

Todavía estoy enferma, creo...tengo un fuerte tos pero nada más, gracias a Dios. Para unos últimos días, yo he estado pensando de suicidio... mi propio suicidio, no; pero de mis amigos que tienen problemas, y desean terminar todo. Yo recuerdo tales veces: yo me sentía perdida, tan sola, desesperada. Y ahora, yo miro a mis amigos con sensaciónes iguales. Una pensamiento: "Nadie carece una buena razón para el suicidio" -- Cesare Pavese. ¿Es eso verdad? Por supuesto. Cualquier persona desesperada que quiere destruir el regalo más precioso (la vida) tiene una razón extraordinaria, incluso si la gente piensa que es una idea egoísta, o inmoral, o absurda. A la persona afectada, tiene sentido. Es lo que no entienden los doctores, a veces.

La cura mágica no es siempre medicación, ni hablar del trauma repetidamente, o volviéndolo a vivir...no ayuda, siempre. A veces, saber una solución no calma la mente. Una persona necesita un amigo real que le escuchará. Un amigo que no le juzgará. Eso es tan raro, un hallazgo fortuito. ¿Quizás un regalo de Dios? Creo que sí. Ay...estoy rezando.

Is this accurate?

I've been called many things in respect to my beliefs: malinchista, Euro-centrist, even conservative socialist (huh??)...now the truth comes out, supposedly. Not sure how I feel about it; I'm Republican only in the major platforms. I've been searching for a party that "fits" me for the last 6 or so years. And honestly, after some intense research, this one fits me in most aspects:

You are a Social Liberal (70% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (63% permissive) You are best described as a: Libertarian Check out: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

Two and a half years.

I can't believe I've been with a contractor that long, especially as an apprentice. I don't know what I'll do if I get rotated. Or, God forbid, I turn out with them, and take my first call at the Hall! It's a thought that makes me a little nervous.

Addict.

Embarassing. I got called an addict at work, during break, for my caffeine habit. So much they gave me an intervention and made comments like, "Are you going to trace out your veins, too?" Ouch. I didn't think it was really a problem but one girl said if I need it to function, it's a problem. And really, I do. I take energy shots and stack caffeine pills with aspirin or Excedrin so it absorbs faster. And If I run out mid-week, I'd rather be late to work so I can make sure I have some "just in case" rather than risk a day without it. I hesitate to call myself an addict...that's such a loaded word. But still.

I told Tannah, then. If he knows the problem, I won't be able to get away with it anymore. I was surprised he already knew. But he did, and didn't go off on me. Which is good. I don't want to throw any of it away, though. And I know that's a bad sign but I feel somewhat justified. I keep thinking that it's not a real addiction. But secretly I know it is. I know I have to work on it but it's tough when it's so readily available, more so than cigarettes and the like. I can't smoke in certain public places and I can't down a few beers at work. But I can have a Pepsi anytime, anywhere.

Frustrating.

PV 2

Beginning now with the second installment of the photovoltaics class. This one is more in-depth; we're learning how to track the sun, design arrays, calculate solar efficiency. Very interesting, but there's more homework involved, too. I'm involved not only because, hey, I think everyone would like to never see a power bill again, but aside form that, it's so going to be the way of the future. Either we'll run out of present resources (not anytime soon) or they'll become so vastly exorbitant that no one can feasibly afford them. We're lucky, here in the desert...our price is only about 11 cents per kilowatt-hour. What will that be in 5 years? Or ten years? I shudder to think.

Right now Germany and Japan far exceed the US in solar power. They have it worked out right now that they are giving back to the grid more than they use, which is awesome. I'd like to see the US follow that trend.

I'm just happy that I'm learning something useful and interesting, both. I'd like to get on the solar crew once I turn out, and really get some more hands-on with installations and troubleshooting. I don't think our current home can tolerate full photovoltaic support but maybe with a little retrofitting, we can make it happen. I'd really like to look into that.

Choices: a rant.

Daily, every one of us have choices to make. Serious, important, random, inconsequential, it doesn't matter. It's a part of life. Some of us regret our choices, some are breathlessly thankful we made them. It's really irritating me, lately, those that think choices make up a person's worth. It's ridiculous to me that someone thinks he's better simply because he made a choice I didn't. Or that he even had the opportunity to make that choice.

I respect alot of different people: educators that give freely, truth-seekers, parents that care, law enforcement that try to do what's right, soldiers torn to make a proper decision when there is none, true friends...in a sense, choices brought these people to be who they are. But a choice doesn't make a man. Integrity, honesty, loyalty, valor, selflessness, faith, compassion...those are the the strengths of greatness. Not choices.

You are not better than me because you are a veteran. You are not better than me because you drive a luxury car. You are not better than me because of your lineage, your heritage, your nationality, your country club social life, your schooling, or your profession. You are not better than me because you donate to great causes or mentor children. You are not better than me because of your political affiliation or religious views.

In all this, we're the same. I don't care about any of that. I have awesome friends that fit every mold above, and some who are breaking those molds. Yes, it's possible for someone to be friends with--and respect--others who think radically different. What counts isn't a choice made or a deed done. It's the soul, the unique character, the quintessence each of us possesses. Without that, we're nothing, anyway, no matter what we do in life.

Slammed.

I have been so freaking ill the past few days, it isn't funny. Dizzy, numb, headache, incredible fatigue...I fell asleep on the ladder at work. Finally, I'm getting better. It sucks, though, because today Misty, a carpenter apprentice from work, was supposed to come with me to a French bistro today. (It's the one Tannah won't go to because he thinks the waiter was flirting with me. Speaking French in a French bistro isn't flirting, in my opinion. Granted, he did wink, but it wasn't after saying anything suggestive.) So this illness hit me really hard, and it wound up screwing my weekend, really. Which is especially awful, since for the next three weeks I'll have photovoltaics class on Saturdays.

Speaking of class, I've done a few lessons for the school year that starts in 2 weeks. Not difficult but definitely time-consuming. I think I made the wrong choice in applying to be a wireman. I should have been a telecommunications installer-tech. What they're learning is so much cooler: biometric security systems, photosensor devices, computer-relay SMART house automation...I really would have liked that. And, installer-techs don't dig trenches, either. But, ah well, the decision was made. Instead of that, this year I learn motor controls and programmable logic controls. Yay.

Evaluation today.

Every month, apprentices are given reviews by either their foremen or their journeymen. Julian hasn't assigned me to a journeyman, so he did my review. I was really expecting the worst, but it wasn't nearly so bad as I expected.

The lowest score I got was a 6...that's about mid-average. That was for ability to learn. He says as a 4th year, I should really know all the basics, and the fact that I don't shows fault in the contractor (for not selecting appropriate crews for me) and fault also in me (for being pregnant, I suppose, and the health problems that followed that caused me to miss so much work). I'm not thrilled about my evaluation but still, much better than I hoped for, even. The one piece of advice Julian extended to me was that as a journeymen, I have to know what I'm doing. I need to have aim and direction. A foreman doesn't like constant questions; he wants to lay out his men and let them handle it. I can understand that. But at the same time, I think it's a foreman's job to guide his men, too. But hey, what do I know? I'm just an apprentice.

On a creepy side-note, I had lunch with one of the guys today, in the room we were both working in. I was roping, he was mounting lights. He had brought burritos (which are excellent, his wife makes them) and offered me one. I'm not one to turn down food, especially free, homemade food. So I had one. It was lengua. For anyone who doesn't know, that means tongue in Spanish. It was okay, as far as tongue goes but...still, it was tongue. Kinda overly chewy. Still, I was grateful. They only thing is, he took his belt off "to get comfortable" but to me, that was a little too comfortable. I didn't say anything but it's not like we were enclosed, either. Maybe I'm a prude.

Tristesse.

Si son désir doit se protéger, alors je pense qu'il est évident qu'il ne devrait pas être si négligent. Il a pris des décisions plus stupides récemment. Essaye-t-il de blesser chacun? Est-ce que c'est possible?

Donc: Quel est ton problème, Logan? Pour l'amour de Dieu, parle-nous. Fie-toi à quelqu'un. S'il te plaît. La chose triste est que je sais que tu ne liras jamais ceci. Mais puis, je ne pense pas que tu m'écouterais, de toute façon.

Pourquoi pas?